She is not old , though she feel very old. She is bipolar and suffers from ADHD . Always in the midst of a midlife crisis. She sits these days and think too much about regrets . Choices, very bad choices. Where did it all go wrong?
It’s time to let go of the past. Knowing that writing has always helped in the past. She sits starting at the blank piece of paper before her . Praying for courage . Lifting the pen, hands a shaky. Will she hurt anyone, where to begin, dropping the pen. She stares out the window, the sun shines , kids are laughing . She knows that now is the time to let go .
This is her story :
From my point of view it was always wrong. I grew up with a very real sense of not belonging . For the longest time I thought that I was adopted or my parents had taken me from “my real family”.
All I had to do was look in the mirror and it was clear that I did not belong . In my family I was the only light skinned ,green eyed little girl who had “the good hair”.
I am having to force myself to start writing again.
I am such a chatterbox , with thoughts spinning in my head that I have a hard time even answering myself. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I do have everlasting conversations with myself . Normally it starts in my sleep until the moment I wake up bitching about something that means nothing , either this is normal for middle age or I am just used to the morning bitch hour that I have with myself . Do I look fat today? Did I get older last night ?When did my hair get this thin and why are my feet so rough, reminding me of my grandma. jumping within seconds to doing a rewind , looking in the mirror thinking .. ahhh you look pretty good for an old broad.
Good Lord, don’t even let me try something on and it doesn’t fit . I have been known to throw mirrors out the window from my apt which is on the 3rd floor. I guess they all think I am riding the “special bus” .
You see I got off track again. The point was I have just been quiet lately. I have had some stress and it is a real challenge , because I have blocked out a lot of stress and emotions. I have never really had anything close to this problem. You see I have played this little game that in time turned into my own bad reality show. The game is numbing the feelings and I am very good at this game. The game has a name: “Addiction”.
I have been pretty open about this addiction, in my blogs and other sites. I didn't mind making fun of it . IT being the saddest that I have expressed , the regrets that I mostly medicated myself to forget. But I never got around to forgiving myself . Rehab after rehab , I just followed the script, knowing that I deserved nothing more. People , therapist, doctors, bla bla, all had the same annoying thing to say . Something like you cannot move on , until you let go!
Come to think of it , I must have looked like a Hillbilly without his moonshine .
In fact I am sure of it.
So in the past month I have had to clean up a lot of my own baggage , up until now I hid and avoided it at all cost.
Now, I am stuck in a funk with these emotions. Invading my space and forcing me to allow myself to feel , all this and avoiding my addictions . So where is the “special bus” now? ( By the way I mean no disrespect by my choice of words ).
Suddenly, I am hit with a force so fierce . It is ok to sit in silence , I am thinking ! Sitting in silence, avoiding my normal drama Queen tactics ( I do miss those , okay I still do have them ). I am not reacting to my own anxiety. I am not spending loads on numbing , I am not hiding . I needed the time to make some choices, healthy choices . But most of all I am taking the biggest gulp of air , knowing that I have to move on.
Bills may not get paid today, but they will be handled. I am not sitting with regret as my only company. I am force to live in the present and maybe I just needed to take some time to allow myself to dig deep and say goodbye to all that I have known. I feel that one door has closed and it is ok to be afraid of what lays ahead. In my case it is ok to be afraid of what lies behind door number 1, 2, or 3.
When I finally did manage to get out and about, laughing, smiling , being a bit spontaneous in a good way that was a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t get enough. I am a addict who is in recovery . A newbie , but even being addicted , I knew how to roll .
I took pride in myself at least that is what I wanted others to think. I was still living in regrets. hang on, let me just say what I mean. So I f**ked up. I did many unforgiving things, I lost those that I love most along the way . It hurts , I cry. Really I am crying . That too shall pass, The past can never be changed and most times not forgiven . That is a choice that I cannot control for others .
All this thinking has lead me to believe that I can start my own thing ( just saying business makes me tight in jaw, so I won't say it , Yet). Do what I like , and find myself in the midst of a career , . Stop reacting to the pressure and focus more on what I can change . Find my place and be at peace with myself... Yep , I am going to try my hand at working for myself. I am good at being social and marketing . I don’t want to jinx myself, but I want to try. More about that at another time .
Okay I can’t help it , The phone started to ring .. They like me and what I am proposing . Really, THEY LIKED ME .
Uh, Damn I just stressed myself out . I just had to open my big mouth. I will take this as my little voice telling me to stop with the rambling . I am likely to find myself in my dream boat without two cents to rub together.
Miss you all these few weeks.
I have absolutely no idea when my mojo disappeared, by mojo I mean the ability to write or share my feelings as I always do in my blog . Including my latest pastime which would be painting or rather trying to find a way to express myself through painting. Let me remind you I am no painter, still I have all the lovely paints and brushes along with a very nice paint stand . Sounds good so far, yet it still sits with a empty canvas staring at me as if I will suddenly come up with some grand masterpiece. Just like every morning , I get up look at the empty canvas giving myself a good few minutes and that is the end of my day of painting . Talk about disorders !
Today, I decided to stop avoiding the process of sharing . I awoke to what has become my daily dose of cleansing , warm lemon water , followed by a smoothie and just sat in front of the computer . I started with Facebook and and moved on to some of my favorite blogs. Within a few minutes I felt the green eyed monster rising inside of me. Why am I not expressing myself through writing ? Yes, I have a lot on my mind and just recently I have begun writing my life story. That in itself has become a chore and an awakening . Let’s save that for another time.
Normally, I have some kind of drama going on that consumes me , followed by some mind altering substance. The drama is still there but now it is my drama and not someone else’s drama. Eating healthy and of course let’s not forget the ever powerful smoothies and lemon water has replaced the unmentionables and lifted the fog in my head. Allowing me to think before being impulsive .
I still rant and rave when things are not going my way . As I write this , I know that I am a work in progress. I don’t believe that I will ever be healed or as some people put it cured. I have demons and baggage . It will always be there deep inside ( unless I find a smoothie for that too ).Sitting back and taking a break I light a cigarette ( gotta have something ) and it hits me .
It is in my character to start things and not finish them , to speak a little too much about absolutely nothing that means everything at the moment. So what, I have anxieties, which leads me to be my very own drama queen. In all honesty we all have something , finally after many years I have come to accept that I am different , I am me.
I am not perfect , I have curves and gravity has left me dumbfounded. Too be honest I wonder what happens during the night when we are in “la la land “ .
And thinking thinking begins :
“After all, once we hit forty, women have only about four taste buds left: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate. Beyond a certain point, flat, toned, thin, and firm are all things best left to those for whom they are negotiable assets. Those of us with sufficient assets have earned the right to sit on them and be comfortable.”
Hit the rewind button: We all have choices .
Standing across the room enjoying good company, I am still in a sitty mood. Flashbacks are coming. I am sweating, my temperature's rising, my heart is pounding. I spent my time trying to be busy , maybe this will help me .
I am thinking with emotions and not with good common sense. That comes as no big surprise, I have this tendency to follow my emotions . With this said , I have allowed myself to be consumed by my, “big fat heart full of emotions that have lead to the path of being broken for 6 years. At this point I see him looking me over , I am not open to a simple hello. My eyes have said it all. Jump back my friend , don’t let the eyes fool you .
I am in my own world, and it is not safe for you here. I am pissed.
After working very hard to allow myself the freedom to just be. To learn, to forgive, and most important to let go of the things that I cannot change.
I have flipped the script. My good intentions and emotions , and giving ways are slipping back to yester-year.
I don’t like myself for this, yet I just cannot help myself.
As the crowd seems to be dying down, I roll my eyes while looking you up and down ( I might have said something about your character,which if I recall was not very friendly nor lady like. . You know the look: Don’t f*ck with me today . I am pissed, I am hurt, I am revengeful.
My inner voice is trying to speak : stop this , you are on the edge and this is not your intended target.
Why are you walking towards me ? What do I have to do “Go Sybil” on your ass? Can you not see that I am in that dark place . No I don’t want to know your name , no I am not coming home with you ( re-thinking this, maybe that is just what I need). But , I cannot let go of this mad evil person that is about to bust a move on you .
I hear a whisper in my ear, I feel regret, I feel empty , I feel sorry that this may be another missed chance.
I am being a hard ass, being downright rude. Yet here you are again. So far I haven’t heard anything but Sybil talking .. I am just here to past the time. Speaking of time , I need to go to my bitch - cave . There I can enjoy my hurt , anger and ever demanding need to unpack my biker boots and cause mayhem and chaos. There I can ALONE enjoy this little nasty person that has come to life again.
Coffee you ask? mmm, there goes the eye rolling again. Yet you seem not to notice or you simply enjoy the art of pain.
I sit down, the coffee is lacking vodka, Oh I want to fly on my broomstick back to the Bitch - cave.
OMG, are you showing real concern for my attitude? The mouth opens and out comes my inner voice. Slow your roll.
As the time approached to leave , I barely said goodbye, giving you my number, thinking “Whatever” . Of course you will never call I have reduced myself to calling my home a Bitch - cave , allowing the anger , disappointment ( Oh God , so many disappointments) to lose myself in the anger. jumping out of the taxi , I hightail it back into the party . I look around, I look down.. thinking another missed chance.
Then the phone rings . Sybil has left with the toothless biker and I am OK.
There are some things that you cannot change. Let’s take a look at betrayal . I personally have a hard time with it! I then go into pay-back mode.
Now we all know that I have been in therapy and I have read enough self help books to know this is can lead me into the darkness. You see right at this moment, I am thinking that this is a dark and twisted world.
All weekend I have been doing a lot of reflecting . Have I really changed at all , because it ( meaning my mind) keeps coming back to one thing . Revenge !! Ok you don’t know the whole story but. recently I have allowed myself to dance with the most manipulative person that I have ever met. And you have guess it, I danced as if I was dancing on sunshine.
Then a funny thing happened, my eyes opened wide and I saw the person standing before me with a clear mind . My first thought was “ I SEE YOU”.
I started this post last night . The little devil standing over my shoulder , had this little evil smirk on it’s face , looking back that was me . I wanted to do nothing more than put all this mindfulness training , yoga , Dr. Phil, Oprah along with everything other self help book I am reading and kick them to the curb.
I could see the transformation in progress. I was on a ass kicking mission and I wanted the world to know it. Something told me to stop writing . Was it the inner angel saying rather yelling to “cut the crap”? I don’t know. What else could I do? The answer was let it go and I started surfing with the TV remote..BINGO!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ( rich brats ).
I woke up at 7am and did my best to follow my daily routine. The smoothies, taking a half hour of quiet time , some call this meditation. Since my mind is racing most of the time I actually only feel the calm soothing moments during the last 5 or 10 mins. Still I am trying to find the calm me. I just do it.
Followed by self care , bla , bla bla. All while thinking to myself , I am in a good place. I am above it all, I can overcome this need to reach out and join the rest of the twisted world and put my chubby foot up your ass.
You know who you are , and don’t let the new and improved me fool you . Instead of that little devil standing over my shoulder, I hear the sassy no nonsense voice of Nene Leakes from the “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” standing over my shoulder, whether this is good or bad, you know the shit is just getting started. Oh Lord , I need a smoothie , Yep, that’s right , breaking bad just can’t be helped.Read more Ramblings belowA narcissistic manTHE ART OF BEING HAPPILY SINGLEBipolar and RelationshipsRecognize And StopMindbodygreen
Weakness is never, ever an option.
That is what I am telling myself over and over again. Lately I’ve slowly allowed myself to become somewhat depressed. I am under a terrible amount of pressure cleaning up my baggage from last year. In case some of you don’t know this : Last year I dragged myself to the bottom of a bottle, a vodka bottle that is. This year I am trying my best to muster up all the strenght that I have to not let that happen again. It is very ugly place , a place that I have been more than once.
I find myself trying everything possible to keep my ever wandering mind busy, and for a while it worked fine. I am still into eating healthy and trying to keep up with my online mindfulness course. I do try to practice it on a daily basis, it allows me to to live in the present and is a good source of being aware . While yoga has enlighten me , I fear that I am losing the battle .
I am being lazy.
I cannot afford to be lazy, nor depressed.
Common sense is telling me to get out of the house . get some air and breath. The other part of me , the part that has controlled me and my addictions is saying . Drink until this feeling passes. I am determined not to allow this to happen.
Yet, here I sit. It’s afternoon and I am not dressed . I have no energy , this could be from the pills that my doctor gave me. ( I was suddenly surprised saturday when my back went out, it was painful and I am sure that I made a big drama over it causing me to only focus on negativity. After all I was stuck on the toilet for 30 mins, causing me panic and creating more drama with “what if’s” ).
I know what my options are . So I will get my lazy ass up force myself into the same bathroom that held me hostage and get dressed. Weakness is not something to be ashame of , you know when your dog dies or you find yourself in menopause and crying because they don’t have Taco Bell or tons of coupons( to buy only more comfort food ) here in Amsterdam.
However in my case digging myself to the bottom of a bottle is a Weakness that is never, ever an option.
I look around take a deep breath and prepare to get on with the rest of the day.
Have you ever questioned if life was passing you by? One quote can sum up the feeling of midlife crisis by explaining it this way: "Midlife has been defined as the time when you reach the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall."
The only problem for me is that I NEVER even reached the top of the ladder, yet. For goodness sakes, I was ONLY half way up the ladder and I never made it to the top! How could my life simply pass me by when I have so much MORE to see, to do, to experience, to enjoy and to discover?!
Right now, when I examine my life, where I have been and what I had anticipated my life to be like, I most certainly did NOT imagine this! What a rude and cruel eye opener to wake up one morning to look into the mirror to see how quickly time has past by and my youth is coming to an end. (Sorry folks, but can I have my own personal PITY PARTY?)
How do you know that life is passing you by? In my opinion, you know that your life is passing you by when menopause is taking complete control over your life and you find yourself in 40 degree weather standing with the freezer door open in desperation to cool off, while your dripping wet with perspiration experiencing a full-blown HOT FLASH!
Of course, if you are a male, your experience will be much different than mine, but our similarity is that we are both spending more time soul searching and trying to make sense out of what is the most important thing in our lives.
Here are some common symptoms of midlife crisis and helpful methods to overcome the challenges:
A Midlife Crisis Checklist:
Get divorced or update your status to single (When dealing with assholes this is a must!)
Quickly discover a lifetime supply of humor (this will also help with your own mental midlife madness )
Stop sulking, show a little spirit and start a new life plan (also a must) Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help
Recruit your two very dear, newly single friends to help you with it
Don’t look back and enjoy the ride! (regrets will keep you feeling like an ole hag , I know )
Your glory days weren’t.I’m never going to be 25 again. But you know what? I don’t want to be 25.
Have a bucket list: ( I will start one tonight ! or tomorrow, for now breathing is a good start )!
My bucket List:
Enjoy my own creativity as much as possible.
Take better care of myself: body, mind and spirit.
Recognize fully what I do and do not control.
Try Zumba, again.
Be adventurous and attempt a “do-over” before it’s all over.
Try a hairstyle that is completely out of my comfort zone.
Build new friendships.
Go back to work.
Visit my dad's grave site.
Put more effort into getting to know my children.
Do the 12 steps just for the heck of it. For no other reason than they're a heck of a good way to live.
knit or crochet something other than hats.
Learn to draw. I mean I do not know how .but it sounds good and online drawing clams me down instead of wickie vodka...
Being clear in the mind, and honest in my heart , I am just sick of settling. I am enjoying my time alone yet I am missing the joys of sharing my thoughts and life with someone.
I am excellent at pretending. Pretending I am interested in whatever the current topic of conversation may be; when, in fact, I am entirely, momentarily (hopefully), hollowed out, numb, incapable of communication on anything other than a basic level: "Yes. No. Okay"; when all I want is the conversation to end, as soon as possible, as painlessly as possible, but for it to do so would involve me being able to talk, to explain - a dark irony not lost on me as I stare at the table top.
This is not an ongoing thing but I have baggage . I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. Sometimes I talk too much, I am forgetful, I have mood swings. I cuss too much and on the other side I love too much .
Personally, my mania has lead to anger, cursing and inappropriate behavior. Not exactly the stuff of good relationships no matter what your diagnosis. I have been in a relationship that has turned into a brother, sister, mommy, kiddie thing. It has taken me many years of pain and disappointments to fully understand that I am deserving of a partner that loves me and my flaws. Everyone comes with baggage and I am carrying enough baggage to fill up an entire 747 plane.
I am not sure how I wanted this post to start or end, I do know that sitting here on this Sunday morning , I am OK.
I have started the day with my wonderful smoothies and of course hot lemon water instead of coffee. I have made another bowl of lovely cabbage soup ( yet it is getting boring, so today I spiced it up a bit ) . I went to just check to see if all this effort in this veggie , smoothie, cabbage soup diet is working and pleased to see I am fitting better in my clothes. Now , regardless of being bipolar , I am human and did the cabbage soup dance !
So what I have baggage , Who the hell doesn’t ?
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