There was a time when opening the mail was my biggest fear. I had to be numb just right, not too much and certainly not less. It was a real phobia for me. Considering my mail is in dutch, I do understand most dutch when other people are speaking ( I haven't managed the art of speaking fluent dutch, and because everyone speaks English I have not put so much effort into it. Not that I don’t want too. hell speaking English my mother tongue and have the time that can be a struggle depending on my mood and how fast I am talking.) So back to the post mail, it can throw me into a cycle of panic or unnecessary depression . I thought that this was a thing of the past.
And then the Belasting ( Tax office ) , dutch mafia , whatever they call themselves had to put me on notice.
Like , WTF and I going to be sleeping with the fishes? I went from panic, to anger . This anger made me twisted as if I was suddenly a character in the “Sopranos”. And I am not talking about that wimpy chick either . My whole demeanor changed within seconds .
I was not to be messed with in any shape or form . I was like some biker mama bending over backwards for a good spanking (no offense intended to all the ole ladies out there ) .
No, I have not fallen off the freedom wagen just yet . This is what was going through my head . Of course I am stubborn and while I may have come up for air and breathed in reality, again. Sort of.
I am replacing the whining and depression of yesteryear with pure aggression, which leads me into isolation . I know myself , and I know that I can flip the script real fast , pulling no punches and being unreasonable. All while hurting the ones close to me.
Isolation? Call it whatever you want. I know isolation. It suddenly occurred to me that I simply need some space to take it all in. I took a walk this morning and did my normal self talk, except with me it can be mistaken as some idiot talking loudly to myself in rather an aggressive tone .
Calming the Beast, Demon, or just me yelling at the belasting mafia and any other Tax office for making me miserable.
Upon getting home , I thought maybe you should write out the anger , aggression and depressing stuff out.
I have a blog for this . I am not alone with my frustration nor am I going to be led away in handcuffs or better yet with those kind lovely people with whom all share the same smile pasted upon their faces, come on people, keep up! The White Wagen !!
I began this post writing blind, but as I have let it all out, one word pops up.
( I may need a few more hours to face the world and make peace with the mailbox again)