“That I have been forced into a holding pattern cause rage to rise in me. My tsunami. My chest constricts and I am painfully aware that suddenly, inexplicably, there are tacks and shards of glass circulating through my veins.” 

Writing about mental illness is not easy and not often done well. Few manage to make others understand the grit, the pain, the self-effacing let downs and challenges one suffers as a result of mental illness. You have to write about mental illness with depth, respect, enough clarity, descriptiveness and plenty of humor. Dark humor preferable.

Bipolar illness manipulates you ,  the struggles with the present and being in the moment and learning to live with this illness is a bitch in more ways than one. Life will not be spent sitting at the kitchen table eating the joy out of my life . I have been addicted to everything and anything that would numb me , even just for that second. It took years to fully understand that self harm that I had created. This world of numbness and needing more and more. People it is not easy by any means. Painful comes to mind, but sooner or later you are stuck with guess who? Yourself ! 
Never did i image that my life would be such a train wreck .
When I was a little girl I never dreamed of growing up , losing my dreams, and most of all losing my children,  but that is what happened. 
My relationship with my children could use some improvement , therapy or Dr.Phil. 
I can feel my heartbeat, it hurts, I want to numb. 
this is where I stop and remember that I am not my bad choices.