I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “let myself down”, within the perspective of having allowed myself to “fall back” within patterns of abuse. Allowing myself to consume mind altering substances only for the sole interests of satisfying my selfish desires of seeking “pleasure at all cost”, even is such a cost is the disrespect and destruction of life within my surroundings.
Yep that was me and more. I have been reading a few blogs and I suddenly became aware that while I am “drinking bipolar “I fucking hate that I am getting older. I just had a birthday last week and to be honest it wasn't so bad. I have never had a birthday where I wasn’t wasted. ( ok either I was too young or sitting in a cell). Anyway as I sat reading someone’s words of desperation . I felt sad, I felt caLm ( ahhh is this being sober ) at some point I began to think that I was reading about myself. Except I am a middle age woman who just happens to enjoy my wickie vodka , and just about everything else. I am also bipolar. Now for a time I had to make some serious choices, such as: bipolar medication, it makes me not fat..FATTER. Then again so does the morning to evening drinking. i choose not to take my mental health seriously until it became the big elephant in the room and I was forced to deal with it . The escape came very easy for me as I have done this gig many times. Even now I have many days where I may think “so what if I party, who will know.. and everyone thinks I am crazy . Today was that day! Trying to keep myself busy and my head out of a bottle or whatever . I read about a very young girl. She was in pain . This i know about, she was also desperate. I read and read, I did some thinking and thought that before going to bed I will check her site again.
She said HELP ME I AM DESPERATE. Of course I made a comment which lead to my website and email.
We chatted, and suddenly it all became clear. I am middle aged , I have spent more than half my life abusing EVERYTHING.
But today what was clear is I listened. She felt heard! If I helped or not I don’t know but today I was able to let go, if only for a while. By letting go of my bullshit and listening to someone else … allow me to “get out of oneself “!
So wherever you are right now, catch this big hug that I am sending and be safe.
Online bipolar test here
Castle Craig
All about my addiction and mental illness: Drinking Bipolar
Yep that was me and more. I have been reading a few blogs and I suddenly became aware that while I am “drinking bipolar “I fucking hate that I am getting older. I just had a birthday last week and to be honest it wasn't so bad. I have never had a birthday where I wasn’t wasted. ( ok either I was too young or sitting in a cell). Anyway as I sat reading someone’s words of desperation . I felt sad, I felt caLm ( ahhh is this being sober ) at some point I began to think that I was reading about myself. Except I am a middle age woman who just happens to enjoy my wickie vodka , and just about everything else. I am also bipolar. Now for a time I had to make some serious choices, such as: bipolar medication, it makes me not fat..FATTER. Then again so does the morning to evening drinking. i choose not to take my mental health seriously until it became the big elephant in the room and I was forced to deal with it . The escape came very easy for me as I have done this gig many times. Even now I have many days where I may think “so what if I party, who will know.. and everyone thinks I am crazy . Today was that day! Trying to keep myself busy and my head out of a bottle or whatever . I read about a very young girl. She was in pain . This i know about, she was also desperate. I read and read, I did some thinking and thought that before going to bed I will check her site again.
She said HELP ME I AM DESPERATE. Of course I made a comment which lead to my website and email.
We chatted, and suddenly it all became clear. I am middle aged , I have spent more than half my life abusing EVERYTHING.
But today what was clear is I listened. She felt heard! If I helped or not I don’t know but today I was able to let go, if only for a while. By letting go of my bullshit and listening to someone else … allow me to “get out of oneself “!
So wherever you are right now, catch this big hug that I am sending and be safe.
Online bipolar test here
Castle Craig
All about my addiction and mental illness: Drinking Bipolar
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