So here we are ! It’s Saturday and I am in the middle of packing for my trip. I have come to terms with the fact that this trip is a MUST. However, I am thinking about the things that I will miss. The first thought that comes to mind is not vodka ( yes, it surprised me too) but, Internet . I love the Internet. It has helped me to be comfortable alone. It has given me a voice , let’s be honest , it has given me the life that I left behind. And since we are honest , the Internet allows me to avoid the loneliness and emptiness that I have been feeling . When I am manic and having these great ( and they are great ..to me ) thoughts and my behavior is just bit too crazy . I am the only one that knows. Of course in my eyes I am not manic but getting control over this bipolar, alcohol, lonely and empty feeling . Wow, did I really just say that ? Double wow , will I leave this in my post for my blog. What do you think? Uh yeah. That is just how I am. I do know that this is online and you don’t know me. I try very hard to let the real person out online but some people will just not get me . And that is the good thing about Internet , just let your fingers do the talking for you and click off. So, with that said , I carry onward !
In the last 24 hours I have been trying to talk myself out of going to this clinic, this is mainly because I have been feeling OK for a few days and I haven’t drank anything that will give me that warm fuzzy feeling . ( OK, I must admit that I knew that I had tons of shit to do this week and I knew the weekend was coming. I have always found it easy to maintain when it is necessary and that I could party later ) . For awhile my drinking bipolar mind was wild . I am thinking “hey, I can handle myself , when the shit hits the fan I always come around , after all I have started taking my medication again “. It doesn’t hit me then , that just maybe I am handling things because i am taking those little shitty pills that make me fatter than what I am . And just maybe I am getting fatter because I tend to drink way to much . So, I go about my morning , doing my things, you know cleaning and doing my best to keep busy because I feel something is missing ( alcohol) but I also feel great that I am getting on top of things. Paperwork, housework, dying my hair, etc.
Suddenly I am bored ! Shit this creates a problem.
I take out the Wii and hook it up. I have had this for 2 yrs and I have turned it on 4 times. Once I actually did the yoga in the Wii fitness , at which time I could not believe how long it took and further more it almost killed me . The other few times, I enjoyed it as I sat my big ass behind the computer and actually paying attention . ( maybe I was drinking because I had great amusement watching as I got my ass kicked by the little Wii people. Still I felt as if I had worked out .
Just talking about this alone is enough to convince me to keep packing and get on the plane .
Anyway , in the true spirit of being bipolar , I am changing the subject , today is my daughters birthday . I haven’t seen her in many years. We stay in touch by Facebook, email and phone . I do not call her as often as I should. I think that is because I have no idea what to say when we have been living separate lives for so long . She has grown up into a wonderful young woman who is in the military . I am very proud of her , did I mention that she has 2 sons whom I have never met ? I have been deported from the USA now for 12 yrs. The guilt of not being there for my kids is a pain that I will discuss another time . ( I have lived in the states from the time I was 2yrs old , I thought I was American … I am jumping way ahead of myself . I will get back to you on this drama that I have caused myself). I am not sure where I am going with this except to say , I am going to finish packing , write immigration a letter for my lawyer and call my kid to wish her Happy Birthday .