I am not going to sugar coat this post today, something I do with humor to mask the pain that I am feeling . I woke up this morning and decided to face this head on, I am depressed, I am drinking even through I know it will kill me, it has given me a false sense of relief. I have been down this path so many times in my life that I no longer expect different results, I just accept it for what it is and enjoy the few hours of false enjoyment and what may be inner power, that is until I can’t anymore. I haven’t step over the line yet and today I decided to call my doctor and begin therapy again. The thought of stepping over the line haunts me and therefore I must care.
I have only had a very depression point once, during this time I can only explain that it was if I lived the same day over and over again. I am spunky and sassy so that is really not me and to be that way was more that this woman could manage . I started to have those thoughts ( the dark thoughts of helplessness) I have always been able to guard myself against . If you are reading this and have any type of mental illness or addiction problems you will know what I am saying. There is nothing nice about a middle age woman lost in alcohol and bipolar depression. Normally I am manic. I felt the mania coming on and I welcomed it with open arms. Being so overwhelmed with health issues I embraced it. I knew that I would be creative and feeling 100% better than sitting and struggling with my emotions and sudden lost of my former self. I know that this former person who was me will never return . That is hard for me. I live alone and my support system includes me. I shut people away , those that know me look at me with pity , that I fucking hate . So, I hide , and they stop calling . After awhile i begin to self medicate because after all no one will know. And I am feeling simple wonderful , until I am not . I am sharing this because when I started this blog it was for myself , my thoughts ( and I was manic and enjoyed the making of the blog, plus I had just seen the Face-book movie ) . I began about the lows of being diagnosed with bipolar late in life and the increase drinking that when along with it. So sort I am trying to help myself. Lately, I have not been true to myself or honest about the painful events that have taken place or what I am feeling. I have simply buried my emotions So I joke about it instead of putting it out there for others to see. Today I awoke and there it was , the same nagging dark hole that was there yesterday . The tears come to my eyes. I finally stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. I take it all in . It is what it is.
The phone rings I have learned that my insurance has allowed me to go to a posh wellness center, treatment center in Scotland where I can do my treatments and get the support that I need. This is hard to take in , I have many mixed feelings . I need to do this , I am afraid, it means letting go of self will and learning to have faith in something more than myself.