What I am up too these days,
I have no excuses as to why I have not put any real effort into posting on my blog. I am doing a few things at once and to be honest , this minor set back with my health has made me very lazy. All I seem to want to do is sleep ..ALOT
While being back at work has been most refreshing it also has it’s challenges. I enjoy going and seeing the lovely people that I work with and I am much more reliable . I am bored and not really doing very much. Some say that I should enjoy this period because all good things come to a end. Let’s move on to something that is on my mind :
As a little girl, I idolized my own dad. Oh my goodness, he could do no wrong and I think I was just perfect in his eyes too. for some time now I have been thinking about my own kids. I have to say that I do not ask them to read this blog. I think it may confuse them but I somehow think that they have maybe peeked at it.. I have a shaky relationship with all 4 kids , And I suppose that some would say that is expected. I have some limited contact with all of them and I must admit that they haven’t completely dismissed me from interacting with them.. that is except for my one daughter . I can understand. She seems to be just reaching for family love , something that I could not provide for her . Something that I choose to not provide all those years ago when I thought tomorrow would never come.
guess what people? Get off your ass because tomorrow is here . Rebuilding a relationship after so many lost years can be painful and I don’t want to sound selfish because really it is not about “poor me “ anymore . for the life of me I have no idea where to begin. I mean after so long it isn’t normal for me to just set in and be mom..So what is my place , how to begin.
I have spent alot of time abandoning these feelings with whatever felt good. It was my escape . Suddenly here I am sober and trying to deal with the feeling . the simple ( not so simple ) that “yes” I did walk away , yes I stayed away . And yes, I want to reconnect . How do you go about the task of asking forgiveness to a child that has been left behind. Now, if I put the shoe on the other foot , I would be bitter and not so forgiving . That is just me ..
I have never had to think of someone else and put them first. For the longest time I just felt “ OK, if the kids want to know me , then when they are ready they will look me up. That was me still looking for the easy way out. In this way I didn't have to deal with the emotions, ( and I am sure that is the main thing that scared me) but I am the mother here and if anyone has to take the heat .. it is me.
I feel so wrong even voicing my option here . I really think that I have lost all rights to have an option at all. But , now really. if I want to have any kind of bond ( regardless of how late) I need to stand up and be something that I am not very good at . Being a mother ( it feels like I am so wrong to even call myself that ) , to stand up and be the adult.
I have faced some very hard times in my life and I can truly say that this must be the hardest thing that I have ever faced. And to be honest I have not ever begun to face it as yet.
So listen to me people , tomorrow is here. It is here for me and before you know it it will be tomorrow for you .
What you do today affects tomorrow. The pain of today …. still hurts tomorrow.
That is all today , for those out there that follow me, please say a prayer ( or whatever you may do ). because I can use all the added prayers , help, feedback that is offered to me.
I really don’t like writing to much about my kids.. I post the blog to face-book . And the world is on Face-book. Including my 4 stars.
So tonight as I log off, I am struggling with myself and looking for the courage to face the present. It is easy for me to write this but trust me , finding the courage ..
That remains to be seen.
thanks … goodnight
I have no excuses as to why I have not put any real effort into posting on my blog. I am doing a few things at once and to be honest , this minor set back with my health has made me very lazy. All I seem to want to do is sleep ..ALOT
While being back at work has been most refreshing it also has it’s challenges. I enjoy going and seeing the lovely people that I work with and I am much more reliable . I am bored and not really doing very much. Some say that I should enjoy this period because all good things come to a end. Let’s move on to something that is on my mind :
As a little girl, I idolized my own dad. Oh my goodness, he could do no wrong and I think I was just perfect in his eyes too. for some time now I have been thinking about my own kids. I have to say that I do not ask them to read this blog. I think it may confuse them but I somehow think that they have maybe peeked at it.. I have a shaky relationship with all 4 kids , And I suppose that some would say that is expected. I have some limited contact with all of them and I must admit that they haven’t completely dismissed me from interacting with them.. that is except for my one daughter . I can understand. She seems to be just reaching for family love , something that I could not provide for her . Something that I choose to not provide all those years ago when I thought tomorrow would never come.
guess what people? Get off your ass because tomorrow is here . Rebuilding a relationship after so many lost years can be painful and I don’t want to sound selfish because really it is not about “poor me “ anymore . for the life of me I have no idea where to begin. I mean after so long it isn’t normal for me to just set in and be mom..So what is my place , how to begin.
I have spent alot of time abandoning these feelings with whatever felt good. It was my escape . Suddenly here I am sober and trying to deal with the feeling . the simple ( not so simple ) that “yes” I did walk away , yes I stayed away . And yes, I want to reconnect . How do you go about the task of asking forgiveness to a child that has been left behind. Now, if I put the shoe on the other foot , I would be bitter and not so forgiving . That is just me ..
I have never had to think of someone else and put them first. For the longest time I just felt “ OK, if the kids want to know me , then when they are ready they will look me up. That was me still looking for the easy way out. In this way I didn't have to deal with the emotions, ( and I am sure that is the main thing that scared me) but I am the mother here and if anyone has to take the heat .. it is me.
I feel so wrong even voicing my option here . I really think that I have lost all rights to have an option at all. But , now really. if I want to have any kind of bond ( regardless of how late) I need to stand up and be something that I am not very good at . Being a mother ( it feels like I am so wrong to even call myself that ) , to stand up and be the adult.
I have faced some very hard times in my life and I can truly say that this must be the hardest thing that I have ever faced. And to be honest I have not ever begun to face it as yet.
So listen to me people , tomorrow is here. It is here for me and before you know it it will be tomorrow for you .
What you do today affects tomorrow. The pain of today …. still hurts tomorrow.
That is all today , for those out there that follow me, please say a prayer ( or whatever you may do ). because I can use all the added prayers , help, feedback that is offered to me.
I really don’t like writing to much about my kids.. I post the blog to face-book . And the world is on Face-book. Including my 4 stars.
So tonight as I log off, I am struggling with myself and looking for the courage to face the present. It is easy for me to write this but trust me , finding the courage ..
That remains to be seen.
thanks … goodnight
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