What I am up too these days,
I have no excuses as to why I have not put any real effort into posting on my blog. I am doing a few things at once and to be honest , this minor set back with my health has made me very lazy. All I seem to want to do is sleep ..ALOT
While being back at work has been most refreshing it also has it’s challenges. I enjoy going and seeing the lovely people that I work with and I am much more reliable . I am bored and not really doing very much. Some say that I should enjoy this period because all good things come to a end. Let’s move on to something that is on my mind :
As a little girl, I idolized my own dad. Oh my goodness, he could do no wrong and I think I was just perfect in his eyes too. for some time now I have been thinking about my own kids. I have to say that I do not ask them to read this blog. I think it may confuse them but I somehow think that they have maybe peeked at it.. I have a shaky relationship with all 4 kids , And I suppose that some would say that is expected. I have some limited contact with all of them and I must admit that they haven’t completely dismissed me from interacting with them.. that is except for my one daughter . I can understand. She seems to be just reaching for family love , something that I could not provide for her . Something that I choose to not provide all those years ago when I thought tomorrow would never come.
guess what people? Get off your ass because tomorrow is here . Rebuilding a relationship after so many lost years can be painful and I don’t want to sound selfish because really it is not about “poor me “ anymore . for the life of me I have no idea where to begin. I mean after so long it isn’t normal for me to just set in and be mom..So what is my place , how to begin.
I have spent alot of time abandoning these feelings with whatever felt good. It was my escape . Suddenly here I am sober and trying to deal with the feeling . the simple ( not so simple ) that “yes” I did walk away , yes I stayed away . And yes, I want to reconnect . How do you go about the task of asking forgiveness to a child that has been left behind. Now, if I put the shoe on the other foot , I would be bitter and not so forgiving . That is just me ..
I have never had to think of someone else and put them first. For the longest time I just felt “ OK, if the kids want to know me , then when they are ready they will look me up. That was me still looking for the easy way out. In this way I didn't have to deal with the emotions, ( and I am sure that is the main thing that scared me) but I am the mother here and if anyone has to take the heat .. it is me.
I feel so wrong even voicing my option here . I really think that I have lost all rights to have an option at all. But , now really. if I want to have any kind of bond ( regardless of how late) I need to stand up and be something that I am not very good at . Being a mother ( it feels like I am so wrong to even call myself that ) , to stand up and be the adult.
I have faced some very hard times in my life and I can truly say that this must be the hardest thing that I have ever faced. And to be honest I have not ever begun to face it as yet.
So listen to me people , tomorrow is here. It is here for me and before you know it it will be tomorrow for you .
What you do today affects tomorrow. The pain of today …. still hurts tomorrow.
That is all today , for those out there that follow me, please say a prayer ( or whatever you may do ). because I can use all the added prayers , help, feedback that is offered to me.
I really don’t like writing to much about my kids.. I post the blog to face-book . And the world is on Face-book. Including my 4 stars.
So tonight as I log off, I am struggling with myself and looking for the courage to face the present. It is easy for me to write this but trust me , finding the courage ..
That remains to be seen.
thanks … goodnight
That thought you just had. I know how important it is to you. You just moved your foot in nervousness while reading this without knowing it. You read a little more thinking “I better feel something soon or I’m over it.” I write something hoping it will either make you feel or think or laugh or cry. There are times, when I am in a group of people, that I will talk and laugh, joke and smile to the point of giddiness. I’ll become breathless, my voice will grow louder and my body will buzz with animation. My mania comes out to play.
I was fun to be around during these circumstances. It’s a relief to hear I’m entertaining rather than disturbing yet, it sometimes feels, during these occasions, like I’m drunk – not on liquor but on raw brain chemicals. My inhibitions get tossed in the ditch along with my boring personality. But periodically I wear myself out.
I am Bipolar and the term Ecstasy is for me the perfect adjective to describe my mania. The boring, dull, ugly, inhibited, ordinary me whimpers away. While the charming, beautiful, uninhibited, extraordinary me bursts onto the scene, standing at attention, ready and willing for anything and everything. Sometimes the mania is intoxicating! The things I can accomplish! I feel on top of the world! Every sentence I say is brilliant. Every step I take is fluid and graceful! Every song is being sung for me! Colors are brighter, blues, greens, yellow – they’ve never looked so vibrant.
Ecstasy: To Stand Inside The Self
Then I fall. Hard. I am back inside myself. And this is the last place I should be. Because when I’m here I am very alone. Oh and the thoughts I have! Depressive, scary, hurtful, hateful, belittling thoughts roam here. This is not fun! Unfortunately for me, these episodes last longer than the mania. All I want to do is make the feelings go away. And the only way I know of to make them go away
The smallest woman can break the biggest man with three little words ... Is it in ?
After a while you learn the subtle
difference between holding a hand and
chaining a soul, And you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning and company
doesn't mean security, And you begin to
learn that kisses arent contracts and
presents arent promises, And you
begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the
grace of an adult, not the grief of a
child And you learn to build all your
roads on today because tomorrows ground
is too uncertain for plans. After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your garden and decorate your
own soul, instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
stand up if you’re afraid to die or live , and lie
if it hurts but you smile
if smiling makes you postal
if you are dirty , yet you are clean
if you are stuck
if being unstuck is worse
if he / she pushes your head down again , you might go postal
if you cared enough you would go down
if this is it.. I may bite
oops.. is that all?
if being bad has it's appeal
if being good, is boring
if saying yes , but meaning no
If the above is right , I won
I am screwed
if dreaming makes you happy, then share
if being happy makes you dead, better not
if this upset you , uhhh big deal
if it doesn't upset you , re-read
if you cheated, be safe
if you are safe, live more
if you are a parent" God bless"
if not , try harder
if you can just say NO, do
if not, get the good stuff
if you are alone
just say yes.
otherwise, just stand up
Although we may be cowards, afraid to show the world that we are all born with imperfections and pretending to be something that doesn’t exist, it is your new duty to look for the hidden beauty that lies within. Be the best of your potential, never give up even in the moments where it seems the only solution, make a difference in this world, and never let anyone make you feel any less then you are; then, you shall be the true definition of beauty.