I’m still here. I guess. Still here, with little to say. Today I went to the grocery store, the bank, and the drug store. I walked through the park and thought maybe shopping would help my mood. I can’t explain it but I hopethe depression isn't returning. I’m scared. It’s been busy. I went from having very little social interaction to having a lot–fast. Maybe that is just too much for me.
But as expected, the depression caught up to me last night ( it wasn’t bad). Along with it came intense claustrophobia, which brought anxiety and at times near panic and sadness. I tried to just go with it, to let the feelings pass by actually feeling them, and at one point it did become intense but I just rolled with it .
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street. (There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson)
_We all know that person. The one who is always laughing, crackin’ jokes, having fun, and just being happy, no matter what’s going on. Everyone is attracted to them, and perhaps you want to be like them. But maybe you think it’s impossible to always be happy. However, you most certainly can be happy like them and you should be happy like them.There’s no special secrets to how these people can have so much joy. They don’t possess anything that you don’t have. The only thing they do is practice habits that make them happy. 1. Don’t care what others thinkThey don’t care what others think or have to say. If they did, they wouldn’t let themselves free and be happy because of the possibility of scrutiny. Really happy people also never let negative people and their attitudes get to them. Whatever the negative people say or do just rolls off the backs of the happy people.2. Always looking at the bright side of thingsNo matter what situations are thrown at a happy person, they look for the bright side. Everything that is negative has a positive side to it. Happy people know this and have practiced looking for the bright side so much that now it has become a habit. And even if a happy person can’t find the bright side of something, they’ll create it.3. Being friendlyHappy people are always looking to make friends. They don’t care what you look like or what background you come from, they just want someone new to laugh and be happy with. And by default happy people are friendly; everyone wants to be happy as well and are drawn to them. If you know a friendly person who is always making fun of others to bring them down, then they aren’t truly happy person. There’s something inside of them that they are insecure about.4. Laugh & SmileThis habit goes along with being friendly. I have NEVER seen a happy person not smile or laugh. It just isn’t physically possible. However, a really happy person smiles so much that they turned it into a habit. Laughing is another mandatory habit of really happy people. If you or they aren’t laughing, then there’s no truehappiness.5. Live in the momentReally happy people make the most of every minute and day they have. They aren’t going to wait to have fun; they’re going to create fun now.6. Push aside their troublesEven if a happy person can’t find or create the positive side of a situation, they do the next best thing, they push it aside. They forget about it and move on because they know it’s only temporary and they know they can make their troubles leave even sooner.7. Laugh in the face of fearJust like the rest of us, really happy people have fears too.And take a bipolar test if you just keep felling like shit and your moods are driving you and everyone else around you insane.
Bad news is like being a kid and missing the ice cream man. You really feel like it won’t ever come again. You look around because someone must be to blame for this. That is how I am feeling . Monday , I got some pretty shocking news from my doctor and I am still sitting with my mouth open and that insane look that says” This can’t be happening”.
But it is , and I must be a big girl ( not for long accordding to my doctor) and just suck it up. I am so fucking mad at myself and the world for that matter.
How did this happen and how do I not go off the deep end. Even, the so called sane person would have a huge problem with this. OK, I have your attention but I am not ready to discuss what my medical condition exactly is yet..
My biggest issues right now is just staying sober. Knowing that if I was to get wasted I would ease any pain and discomfort , even if it was just for awhile. But , I know myself , I would miss my doctors appointments and surely I would just pretend that everything is OK. it really is not !
I have been sitting in my own shit for so long that a part of me thinks that maybe I deserve this .. at times I try to see a positive and think that maybe my life is being saved . Even if it hurts.
I hope at some point I will be able to be more open about my medical struggles but this just came to my attention on Monday so I need time to take it all in.
Other than that , I am OK. I have moved on to new things in my life and I am trying to find the peace within.
I am breathing.
It seriously took me to fall down before I would give up and throw my hands in the air .How do you go from the madness of mania and the isolation of depression to being a success?. Just deal with it. Since then my life has changed in so many good ways . My self-esteem is back and I don’t just settle for anything thrown at me. I have a better understanding of what I want and how to get there . I am aware that I have to slow myself down at times and just relax. life isn’t just playing some foolish games with me ( even if at many times in the past I thought so.). Still having some shit going on. I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed adult ADD, meaning that my attention span is somewhat limited. I tend to be moved by something and throw 100% of myself into it, and leave the other demands off the side in the mean time.
And think about it, 6 months ago, i was suicidal, I didn’t think I’d ever feel happiness again. I thought my life was doomed.
I know, but actually, it’s much more than happiness. It’s much more than I ever felt before I got sick. Before I got sick, I could be happy at moments, but I was still uncertain with myself, and comparing myself to others, and very self-critical. Right now, I feel a mixture of acceptance, pride, happiness, and gratitude, since I went through what I went through, and I made it. It’s an amazing feeling. Awesome, isn’t it? A few months ago I was ready to just give up and throw myself in front of a moving train. I’ve been enjoying what feels much more like a normalized life , one of give and take, laughing, serious conversations, planning, and most of all, joy. It’s fantastic. So in truth, I didn’t really prioritize taking the time to sit down and write, because I was too busy enjoying life. If there’s any reason to not write, I think that is the best of all the reasons.
I once wrote and said , “The sun is too loud”. Honestly , at the time this was exactly how I felt, just with a touch of mania. Then I started to wonder doesn’t everyone have a bit of mania at one point or another . Or are we chosen to be blessed with this special gift from the mania Goddess.
Latley there is something missing, I am not at all depressed , I just don’t feel much one way or the other. I miss the manic me. My Manic Mondays etc...
Then it occurred to me that I am medicated. Overall this is normally a good thing , however I do miss hearing my sunshine.
After all, everybody likes to be in a good mood, even to the point of being "up" "hyper", or "high". Colors look brighter. Music sounds sweeter. "Laugh and the world laughs with you" so everyone wants to be your friend and hang out with you. I admit I like my manic episodes. Love them, in fact. One of the reasons why I ditched my bipolar medications was so that I could continue to experience those episodes. Honestly, they are AMAZING. Talk about euphoria.
In the past, my impulse control was barely present. That led to self-destructive behaviors such as spending money without careful thought. I get wrapped up in what I think are fun, interesting projects instead of working on what needs to be done. I also neglected my commitments such as my work , meditation routines, and so on forth. Sometimes I wrote or said something without thinking of the consequences. You know the saying: “better to remain silent and be thought a fool rather than open your mouth and remove all doubt.”. During my most recent manic episode, I realized that consciousness is important. My life was in an absolute manic frenzy. I couldn't m
ove fast enough for my own good, and I couldn't consume enough. There were always too many "speed bumps" and "roadblocks" in my way. I lived dangerously, too. I did drugs and drank excessively. There is a huge "gap" in my life because there was no manic behavior left. What's a manic depressive to do? On the other hand , I am drug and alcohol free. It is only for the grace of God that I still have a job to return to and friends that are understanding. I do know that these changes will take some time but while I closing the door ob some things in my life , other doors are opening and I am seeing a new kind of shine.
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