hello, I'm a true scorpio fixed in my ways, but willing to ease the reigns with those i know i can trust with truth & sincerity. i believe in love but if shown any signs of falsehood or discomfort, i will remove myself letting you know of your action in mild kind truthful strong way. i'm very powerful especial when i'm proving a point to be correct or in need of correction. can accept being wrong but your going to have to prove first. i don't fall easy to just anything. but i'm a hopeless romantic that is very strong on believing in what i want is what i need. i love family gathering but like all things i believe in morals & order, I'm very spiritual believing that God is in the heart mind body & soul of the believer & we all that worship & live in truth aware of our actions & reaction with obedience to love & be corrected will be one with God always. i don't like to be lied on or do i care for people that use. i love happy loving quiet moments in love & peaced and every chance i get i go there. rather it be my happy place or with the one i love, i do believe getting to the top by researching everyway to get there so that i'm aware of my surrounding and i don't have a problem with being spontaneous or adventurous. I know life is what you make of it so i try to make the best out every opportunity in life & love . with respect & love for all. i believe if your rich on the inside your rich on the outside. and all things will come in time just your time wisely to achieve your goals. thats me a true Scorpio thats sexier than a muthasucka. lol have a great day i love you_
Weekend , what to do? Normally, I have already had my first drink after my cup of morning coffee but that isn’t the case today. I had the coffee hold the vodka . Today , I am not confused , manic or depressed. The sun is shining and I am trying to figure out how I will spend my day. the point is today I have options . I am no longer holding on to what is NOT. I am no longer depressed and re-living the past . I am no longer sing the “what if “ song.
Today I have options , I can enjoy the warm sunny day with friends in the city center . I can accept a date but, I am not at all sure that I am read for that just yet. most likely that options will have to wait a few more weeks. I can clean my house and prepare for moving . I can go to the computer shop and have my computer screen repaired . I can enjoy a day on the water , kicking back on a friends boat. I can also take my rest and enjoy my free time. I have options. I do not have the option to drink or allow any unwanted drama in my life .
damn that feels good to have options . now , if only I can hold on to that feeling . Me being me , that could change easily .
Time to get dressed ! Have a good Saturday!
Hey people , I am still around but as you can see not posting so often. Hey, give me a break, the girl ( uh woman ) is trying to get herself together . I am doing great and feeling wonderful. Pff that feels good to say and really mean it. I'm feeling fab and finding my mojo has been let’s say ohhh so good!
Stable. So thankful. I was in a hypomanic/manic state for about 24 months ( that sounds better than 2 years )but during that time I was rapidly cycling from dysphoric hypomania/normal/despair on a daily or hourly basis. My thinking was truly in a strange place beyond my understanding at times, (that could have also been the vodka ). I call it Black and White thinking, it's not necessarily a trait of bipolar, but rather that it's a trait that many people have. I guess that having bipolar alongside it doesn't exactly help you too much, but many end-up being able to cope with their 'black or white' way of thinking and can find the colours mixed in between. You have ideas in your head about how things should be (i.e. 'fantasies'). The problem then is that reality NEVER meets nor matches your expectations and ideas respectively. I was once like this too, but then I realised that my own ideas were truly 'warped' and I began to accept that reality is as it is... imperfect, at times annoying, and full of idiots.
“If only life were as easy as ordering from a menu. You could review the appetizers and get yourself the Hot Spinach-Childhood dip filled with creamy self confidence and void of tragedy with tortilla chips, of course. Your adulthood entrée could consist of the Fulfillment Burger with Fries; followed by Contentment Cake (similar to Carrot Cake but with shredded happiness throughout). As a person living with bipolar disorder, my order wouldn’t be complete without my medication. My order would sound something like this… “ I’ll take the Blooming Childhood with Wellbutrin sauce…. the Happiness pizza with the Lithium on the side… and for desert the Abilify cobbler a la mode.” Followed by several Tums due to psychological indigestion.” Fuzzy bipolar!
OK so you know that I haven’t been spending every waking moment on the net. True Beans!!! Busy little bee I have become . I can say with all honesty that I am believing that this may just work out for me. In case you don’t have a clue as to what I am saying .. Rehab !! Here is another way to put it ( my good friend R says this ) Rehab is my new addiction. Funny how when you are here suddenly home is a bad and scary place . I am actually whining about going home .. cause here is where the action and fun is .The land of the living . The living dead has hopped on the rehab express. OK , maybe I am over the top with joy but I am bipolar and that could change at any moment.What I think started it all:Take the Woman ( Midlife you say , crisis for sure)Take the woman, Check her eyes and her skin to make sure that she hasn’t gone past the sell-by-date.Add the guilt, anticipation, insecurity, excitement, despair and panic ..let’s not talk about the manic .Mix thoroughly and leave to simmer. In a medium size bathroom prepare the woman by shaving legs , coloring of the grey hair and painting her toes. But this only after the dead skin on the heels have been scrubbed away. Baste generously in expensive body lotion . Add the stockings, a matching pair of panties ( in hopes that you have a G-string large enough ) and sexy push up bra. In my case I must admit I have been blessed not to concern myself with this... but keeping them up is a whole new ball game !Then have a couple of practice runs at looking seductive by letting the hair fall over the face and batting the fake eyelashes . I can never get those eyelashes on, so not really working .Now in closing add a generous helping of whore-red lipstick, many layers of mascara, a short mini that was hot in the 80’s and last of all add the “come do me pumps” only now they are silk black flats instead of pumps... And 1 bottle of Wine , vodka whatever it may be ….Later there is no trace of the smiling well made up, semi attractive woman that once looked back in the mirror. Only a red face , puffy eyed, blotchy-skinned wreck.
Thanks for reading .. please leave your comments .
I will work with my feelings of panic today. Rather than swing into emotional action by shutting the feeling down or by projecting my own panicky feeling onto someone else, I will first identify it as a feeling within me. When I project the feeling, I do not experience it. Then I do to another person what I am doing to myself. I distance myself from the emotions that make me uncomfortable in order to manage my anxiety. Why not try something different? When I experience the feeling of panic that makes me want to run from or shut off a particular emotion, rather than try to get rid of the feeling, I can allow myself to be with it, to explore it, to look at it from a variety of angles. In this way I can use my emotional problems for spiritual growth. I have the strength to sit with and move through my panicky feelings. In this way, my emotions offer me an opportunity to grow and become intimate with my inner self.
I can own and experience a panicky feeling.
Be happy alchemy of mind.
They turn to pleasure all they find.
perfectly civilised. That is what I would like to think that I was being and even thinking , Let me back up a second,and explain . Yesterday I was thinking about this and that, some good and some not so good.
I thought about how I was able to give advice on how to cope with something that maybe a friend was dreading , I would advise to just suck it up and deal with it head on.
I think that I thought I strongly believed this. And perhaps one day I will be able to even take my own advice and actually do the same . I was ( still am ) a master of avoiding nasty unpleasant tasks. My motto”always put off tomorrow what you are suppose to do today . And if you can, manage to avoid doing it until next week, then do so.” Procrastination is my middle name. That is become clear when regarding my medication as well. I really am not in fond of any bipolar medication. Many times , I honestly feel I am not bipolar at all ( until I read a few of my last post , some are insane ans hell , but still sound normal to me. Clearly these days I have not taken any medication unless you count the vodka hour and hours and a form of BP medication .).
So I found it quite funny yesterday when talking with a nurse and waiting to get my medication. I let it fly out of my mouth that I had every intention of of asking my Doctor for Electric Shock Therapy. She did her best to look up at me as if I had asked for a simple headache pill. instead she look as if she only had thoughts of the movie “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest .”I could see her already imaging me laying there with this huge rubber ball in my mouth. It was funny because this is a sweet young lady but at that moment , I am more than sure she thought “Wow, you are a bit touched in the head” Yep, it was funny , that is until I went to Google the shit !
Losing ones memory doesn’t have to be a bad thing .
All perfectly Civilised.
Almost weekend yeaaaaaa