I just want to start over - Simple
“If My Life wasn’t funny it would be just true, and that is unacceptable.”- Carrie Fisher
What that means , other than what is sounds like , is, let’s say something happens and from a certain angle maybe it’s tragic, even a little bit shocking. Then time passes and you go to the funny angle, and now the very same thing can no longer do you any harm. That already sounds confusing but trust me it isn’t if you just sit back and truly think about it .
I will leave the thinking on this up to you .
I am hanging out with a bunch of people that are just as fucked up as myself and therefore we have become friends. ( I am well aware of the concept of these lasting friendships made in lets just call it a “retreat”) We all have our fair amount of self pity and smoke room filled bullshit. That is talking about what we had , how much we had and how important we were .. that is why we come crawling , no I really mean crawling into the gates of detox.. Hopefully and God willing you will be accepted into the ..oops Let’s call it The Retreat . I had a moment last weekend where I had to ask myself “is this getting easier or am I spinning my wheels , all the stress , panic anxiety without anything to numb those those quirky intelligence feelings”. I was in a class when I had this super intelligence thought. I had to laugh out loud and I mean the kind of laughing where some people may have thought I was just having another bipolar moment . nope , I was laughing at myself and how I almost talked myself into believing that struggling with all my mental drama bullshit alone and I have not even mentioned alcoholism and past drug addiction.
Fuck it I thought to myself I am just disappointed with myself , my life choices, well, just about everything that I can think of with the exception of my kids and the years 1997 and 2000. I am mad as hell ! I had wondered if I could keep this up and without a second thought I know that I don’t have any other options.
so I just did what the rest of the world is doing without whining and moaning ( or sipping on a vodka cola light ). I lived my life that day .. I just lived. I had a wonderful weekend it was summer hot and you don’t get that too often in Holland. But it was bloody hot. I went to a outdoors festival and had a great time , Then spend some time having another great day on the beach, the water was cold still but lovely. The weather changes so fast here I thought , jump in and just live. It was cold and refreshing... And guess what happened ? Nothing !!! Back to the Retreat sober and sane .
Hello Everyone ! I know that I haven’t been posting as often as normal.
Shit Happens , I am sure that you have survived . If you have been following my blog then you know that I have my hands full with interesting but necessary shit such as social living , as I am not social enough. ( Must not have seen the face-book friends , speaking of which where are you people. ?) A structure class., hopefully we are going to start way back, something like pre-school. And of course I cannot forget the wonderful Lifestyle class . You should have seen my face when I found how that this had nothing to do with fashion or with … fashion !
I am saving the highlight of it all, these wonderful classes are all done in dutch and while I can understand dutch fairly well I can't help but say to myself
Self “What the fuck”
This is just what I am thinking , which is not saying much ! But don't it get it twisted, I am starting to bounce back. ( that is just me having a happy wanna be bipolar moment , cause this shit isn’t easy and it takes a lot of hard work and commitment. Shit---- Did I just say that scary commitment. Yes I did. ( I can think of a few people making the sign of the cross at this very moment.
Trying so very hard to stay in control , rather than just come to terms with “It is what it is”.
Stop fighting ,I tell myself, I am completely overwhelmed , alone or just feeling alone, and double fucking mad.. that I am going through this. Yes I am having my 5 mins of whining today , if it is too much
“Jammer dan” ( To Bad or a Pity in English)!!!!
And here is the really crazy insane part , as I sit here handwriting this in class I have had to re-read my notes because when I started this today , I am very sure that I was bloody mad about something. ( I am sure it had to do with me not getting my way )
Taking all that into consideration, I guess things are just the way that they are meant to be at this moment.... or am I acting like a bipolar hooker with no customers . ( NOW THAT IS A JOKE PEOPLE )
_So here we are another day.. but it is a good day and I am still fighting the big battle . But I am fighting it with hope and faith. ( Today) As you know shit changes quick with me .
First let me start with something I found perfect : Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
Scorpio is a feminine, fixed Water sign ruled by Pluto. It is the eighth sign on the zodiac wheel, directly opposite Taurus, and is named for the constellation Scorpio (the scorpion). On the darkisde, this makes you an obsessive, possessive manipulator with an unquenchable lust for power and a penchant for desegregation.
-Personality- *intense, ruthless, domineering* Inside anyone who has strong Scorpio influences is a person who is intractable and impenetrable, so the secret Scorpio usually remains a secret. All Scorpios like to keep their true nature as hidden as possible. Astrologically, Scorpio is set to be at one or other of three stages of evolution. A “Stage 1″ Scorpio exercises power through emotion and instinct. This Scorpio is symbolized by the Scorpion, an insect more likely, in the end, to sting itself then others. The “Stage 2″ type exercises power through the intellect. This Scorpio is symbolized bu the golden eagle – a bird that source higher than any other. The final stage of evolution, Scorpio exercises power through love. This Scorpio is symbolized by the dove of perfection...maybe
Perfection doesn't really exist, but you can try to achieve it today! All you have to do is stop fighting against things you can't fix. Accept the annoying person in the meeting who talks far too much. Accept the fact that you got a parking ticket. Accept the fact that your hair does not look just like the magazine picture you gave your hairdresser. The little wrinkles in your day are what give it character -- and help you appreciate the smooth times all the more.
I couldn’t have said it better . Now I don’t sit around thinking oh shit ,what will the Scorpio in me bring out today. I already know enough to know that I am a true Scorpio , regardless if I believe it or not . The staff and people around me ( other addicts and drunks ) keep telling me that “There is power in forgiveness”, and without doing so , you are destined to sit around in your own emotional shit and burdens .. therefore you will suffer the shitty emotional and physical consequences as a result... In other words , in plain English , you will just stay f*cked up. Now I must stay alot of us would rather stay in this fucked haze ( if it is affordable and you are just a ******* idiot. )
Then there is me.. I can only speak for myself. Guilt is a bitch and having to really take a good look in the mirror can be like having to face the burning waters of hell.. cause you know that your ass is gonna get burnt and it is gonna hurt. Listen , I am sitting here trying to recover and at the same time seeing a woman in the mirror that I don’’t even know. Her face has changed , she is haggard, the sun that use to shine on her has become a bloody thunderstorm .. and don’t even get me started with the midlife crisis shit. ( I am not accepting of that as of yet.. hey... don’t laugh , your time is coming sooner than you think. ) My advice is to do the opposite of everything I have done and you will be OK... Oh, Sorry to burst your bubble.. I forgot to mention that Karma will be biting you in your flabby ass as well. Now I started this with all of the intentions of being just a bit fun tonight .. You see, that is the bipolar in me. So I would suggest that you have the ability to forgive and and blame the the bipolar chick or the addict or the angry haggard bitch .. whatever it takes... cause I am just healing and getting on with my life.
UHHH This wasn´t suppose to be so serious. See, what I mean … a true Scorpio.
'Scorpion', the signs can be literally read as 'the (creature with) a burning sting'
Always putting shit in the mix...
P:S.... A bit twisted , but you know about the lover in us scorpions. If you do please remind me .
Goodnight , I have talked enough shit for one night .
I don’t feel so happy but the feeling shall pass. I am having a hard time with the damn medication again. I have again gained a ton of weight. I look at myself and I feel like a huge cow. I am so swollen right now from the medication that it is even hard for me to walk. It is making me feel negative and wondering why am I here if this is going to be the end result. But now I have not been here that long and only started the fitness program today. I just feel ugly and fat .I will see someone about changing the medication this afternoon.. OK.. medication time again, I might as well eat a huge box of Twinkies.. Why don’t they have twinkles here ? Or Taco Bell, Or Arby's, now we are talking .
I will finish this after breakfast:
A few hours later , I am done with the drama of me and the medication, it was simple , I am better !!! Just kidding , but serious I do feel better . Now that I am back in the comfort of my room . I have truly met Satan today.. in the form of a wanna be Chippendale's ( that has lost his shine a few the day he signed on with the Nazi training camp). Now I know that I need to be positive and all that shit but really, I wonder what would kill me first . Vodka or the nagging Nazi with the buffed body and stern voice that scared me shit less. Oh no, the fun has just begun, tomorrow bright and early it starts again. I am already sitting here thinking of the terrible pain I will feel tomorrow morning and what excuse I can give..Oh yes,I forget this is all about honesty. mmmm
I honestly wish big chubby butts were on every woman's Christmas list along with a Hostess Twinkies and whatever happened to Oscar Meyer Weenie's.. ( I mean Wieners , whatever you get the point . In case you haven’t noticed I am trying to add some humor into this blog today. I have been told that it is a bit sad.. You fucking right it is sad. But it doesn’t have to be that way every night.. It wasn’t all bad. Hell , I had alot of fun at times ( little did I know normal people do not have fun jumping in front of a speeding train, hey I thought everyone was a train wreak) I know better now.
Barbizon The School of Modeling :
If you are from America surely you do recall the days of “The Barbizon School”. They were located in most of the strip malls , tucked between, the footlocker ,Sears , Calvin Klein's and the clothing store for plus-size women and you know we can’t forget.. the Tall and Big store for men.. Come on girls and yes guys , you were there too,. When you walked through those smoky doors with the smoky mirrors ,all the while staring at the framed pictures and stories that lined the walls.. you know for Sears, JC Penny’s, and let’s not forget the hairspray and tampon ads.. It made perfect sense to drop out of 8th grade because we had found our destiny. Trust me every 8th grader had the dream... along with being Brooke Shields in the “Blue Lagoon”....
But I can say this in all honesty- Train wreck was not even close to the dream. Still just writing this and walking down memory lane with nail bitting serious 8th graders lets me know I can still smile because , I am proud to say I too graduated from the “The Barbizon School of Modeling .
Let’s just leave it at that and call it a night .
I am sitting here listening to some music ( maybe not the brightest thing to do while in detox/ rehab … oh yeah I forgot , we are calling it a “spa:) It isn't bad at all here , I have meet some interesting people and I have had some great laughs. Some of them held my hand as I struggled and cried, sweated , had many denial moments and yes... let's just be completely honest .. Bitchy ( that is all bipolar of course.. it must have some good points ). Most will go home tomorrow. I am not one of them.. I have a long road ahead. It isn't so bad I can go home the weekends and after 3 in the afternoon I may leave until 10 pm. This season of hell is over if I have anything to do with it . At some point you just must go through what you are going through .. and leave at that . Oh yeah.... learn from it . I am ready to open up and live again and love again. Loneliness is a bitch and had a lot to do with my drinking and just not caring... I still believe in the happy ending shit .. and I better get a grip and come to terms that sometimes love and life is not always a winning game. But on the other hand it does not mean that it has to be a losing game. When doubt is present it indicates a much bigger or better problem. Sometimes it can be buried so deep that when it arises again … you know that you are about to enter the broken pieces of your puzzle , or whatever you want to call it . You just know : The real problem is the personal lie . Everyone has a personal lie.. sometimes we share the lie , most times we edit the lie. It is a story that we tell ourselves, who we are and what we do and do not deserve . You know I am in no position to start preaching to anyone. I just know that as I sit here , I must suck it up and open myself enough to reveal my personal lie. While I am at it … Let go.
Love does not die easilyIt is a living thing It thrives in the face of all life’shazards, save one – neglect ( L.Vanzant)
I have not written in a few days , we all know why that is. I cannot say that this has been a joyride what so ever. The past few days have been more or less hell. I am numb and having to face all the yukky bullshit that I have cleverly covered up and numbed.
Healing and feelings is really what is boils down too, everyone knows this including you . Eat , drink or whatever to medicate and this in my case is usually in t response to negative emotions, regardless if it is anger, guilt ( that one I have down packed ) , loneliness , stress or just simple boredom.
I have found that denying my emotional issues has been the “deal breaker “ in my life .
Being here ( let's just call it a spa for the yukky deal breakers ) isn't so bad. Most of the people have the same problems. Then again we all have a story. I am going off the medication for the cravings as of tomorrow.... mmmmm the only word comes to mind is DEAL BREAKER .
I am starting to feel a bit better and I will begin to blog more .
At the moment my emotions are all over the place .. up one second and down the next.
I have been stubbornly overeating, bingeing and well lets' just call it what it is .. self – destructive . These habits and behaviors must stop .. and why Cause I am fucking worth it !!
At some conscious level.. and yes, I am conscious at this moment . Realistic goals and support are the key... a little kick in the ass wouldn't hurt either .
Good night , T
Sometimes the trust has been broken , privacy violated all in the name of being numb.That is what I know is true , I also know the fight of my life begins and it is scary and exciting at the same time.
I want to jump up and yell’ Hey, I am on my way, I will be OK” but I don’t dare . They have heard this shit before . More times than I can count . It suddenly hits me that I am not special , I don’t hold special powers to avoid the big slap down .
I can’t seem to move at the moment , I am recalling all the bullshit I led myself into . This was a choice as well. I guess you the readers are wondering .. OK, lets get on with it.. I am officially being admitted on Monday . I wonder about this waiting period, because knowing me as i do . I am gonna party hard. I will regret it and my body will want to give up on me . It seems like permission to “get busy!”
So I sit, I wait .. I hold my breath . I don’t really have that much support . That could be most people that I know think that me going to treatment for what could be 3 months is insane . “ I don’t need it”. Are they blind?
So on this sunny Thursday , I have already have my share of vodka and now beer . It is no wonder that i am looking like a beached whale.
I have 3 whole days to turn my insides into mush , to believe my own bullshit and to live in my insanity of alcohol. Or I can not do any of the above. I have no special powers and I am pretty weak when it comes to this.
I just do nothing … for now .