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This is my second post today. I was a bit worked up earlier today. So let me start all over again. I have always been an emotional person and trust my face shows it all. Over the last few weeks I have become somewhat numb or just not giving a rat's ass. I have been so worried about everything from toilet paper ( I know some of you are laughing , I have a thing for toilet paper. I worry about things that could happen and I have days that I think all the worrying is for a reason. Is that just being paranoid. This is how I lived my life for the past year or so. To make things worse my age is slapping me like I had made some boo boo and went undercover. This is so fucking horrible for the self esteem part . I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not the icing on the cake, but I should at least be the salt on your pringle. The sugar on your damn apple flap. Do men really think that they will not be affected by this aging thing Think again, what about the nose hair that we both tend to ignore. And face it gracefully you are going to be bald. I won't even go there about the other things that are not working . Do men just say fuck it? I don't think so, I think you suffer just the same. It must cross your mind that you will never get the tall leggy blond with a ass that even I would cuddle up to is now out of your reach. After giving this some thought , I fear that me and my other half at battle with Mother time . On this subject we can be united …. But just maybe this post will help you to just zip that hole that you call a mouth up when I am having a bad day. Oh you can tell, I have only changed clothes 100 times today. I know that it may take some dutch courage but, suck it up and be the lovely guy that I thought you were ( in plain english ..the guy you said you were) stand tall , suck that beer belly in and fucking tell me that I am the apple of your eye or whatever but make it good. Because the next time I see you stressed, I am going to hand you a bra and more to the point we ain't talking training bra's either. OK folks out there reading my crazy shit today, nothing special happened to make me write such a blog today...OK, Dr. Phil is on and I may have taken it a bit personal. I take it all back I don’t give a rat's ass. That's bipolar in action
I was not built to break!!!
I am in the blogging mood so I just better get on with it.
But before I begin you should know that my mind is all over the place today, yet calm.It is a windy day but I hear nothing while I sit at my desk. I had wanted to make a 3 month plan or rather goal for myself.
To leave behind what is holding me down. To finally admit that know matter how hard I can try , sometimes it just isn't enough. Strange but true, I am ok with this.I can walk away and know that I have done my best. Maybe I am missing something or someone that will fulfill my needs. But seriously, I am in my 40's so my needs are not that big of a burden. We are all going through changes. This can be very testing on any relationship, me bipolar and you insane as they come.
What is funny is I understand your insanity. I get you as you get me .I guess this should be like me blogging to say good bye to the boat. In my eyes that is the real only effort that you made . It was so great you and me coming back with boat, but it didn't take long before it was a burden on you as well. I am sure you wont be that upset to let it go, but THINK OF ME.
This week I saw and learned that I don't have a chance , I was not built to break , so I jumped ass up and I got to know my own strength. I didn't know where to go, I lost touch with my soul , I was sure that this would be the end of me .
I had no hope to hold on too, I thought that I would break!!!! So during this my darkest hour my faith has kept me alive , I pick myself back up, held my head up high.
I was not built to break
to pretend is a lie
still sadness goodbye
I linger and try
to go on
Sadness on end
We still will be friends
Maybe better friends
Heavy of heart
I know we're apart
on our own ways
Grief for loss
loss of hope
loss of dreams
what, at the start,
might have been
but was lost
We could not find
ways to mend
What's left is
to be friends
Yes I am still here, I will not be rehab bound until Wednesday. That is right I still have a few days to drink myself silly. Well I am trying not to do that. If you knew me then you would know that I am already preparing for the stay which I am told will last as long as I want. The detox is only 7 days and I must stay I don't think that it will be too hard. The detox part. I seem to bounce back pretty well considering. I have talked enough about drinking and how drinking makes me think I am sun the surrounds the earth, the gold at the end of the rainbow or just perhaps the rainbow itself.
Yes, lets stick with the rainbow.
I have been reading alot of blogs on bipolar and suddenly I know that I am special and while I still may feel that I “FEEL” to much . You know when I think I love someone I invade them completely all in the name of love. When I am angry with someone, it goes from angry to hate so fast that I have trouble being that mad. There is no “Grey” . When I hurt , it is so painful you would think I was a victim of someone lost in the tragic waters of the tusmuni. I am aware of these behaviors , I have put in may hours of reading over the Internet. ( oh yeah, now I know it all). A few weeks ago when my doctor bought up alcohol, it was a fucked up meeting . I just walked out with my meds in hand and thought to myself he is right but I can handle it . Yes so what I have yet another problem. Fuck it I am bipolar and you would drink to if you had to handle the mood swings , always having to watch yourself when you are talking .. am I talking to fast , bla bla.
I am just going through the motions and waiting until I am off to the land where nuts are normal, and drinking is causing a big black cloud over my rainbow.
As you can clearly see I am just babbling today. I think that I have been taking myself way to serious.
I know that big changes are coming in the next few weeks. Change that is the real challenge that I am facing . I am also fighting it and looking for ways around it. But as Dr. Phil says “ this ain't my first rodeo” I know that the only way that I can do this and be successful is to accept the change that is unavoidable.
I have been in a destructive relationship on and off going on 5 years now. ( I would like to say that it is more like a sister /friend relationship but it is more like a mother ) Since I know that change is coming I had to dig deep and think hard. You know “pro's vs con's kind of think. I am ashamed to admit that I have never come first in this relationship and the physical part is dead. My needs are not being met on any level. The more I wait for him to get better ( he is in a permanent headache or whatever it may be that day) I see it as a excuse for his behavior or rather lack of it. I listen to him with a smile on my face and understanding in my heart. But ,my head is sober enough to keep smiling and not listen to anything that comes out of his mouth.. And for this I keep telling myself “ he knows no better” and that is the truth. When I first thought about kicking the alcohol I brought it up to him and I wasn't surprised that he fills this is all bullshit . Just stop he says. I could reply, just grow up. Oh Did I mention that he thinks he is a day trader on the markets. Well I guess he is, but it is clearly an addiction. I only see him in one position , his back to me while on the internet. There is no romance and that is what I am missing . I need it just as I need water. I am not talking about crazy TV romance.. just something . And I still have a clear enough head to know that my ship has not sunk yet. I am still just sitting in the harbor waiting for the magic to happen. To be fair it just isn’t in his nature and too much in mine. It is not all bad, we are now set into the habit of seeing each other just as I am stuck in the habit of smiling while listening to what we are going to next weekend. Ok, I am talking about change .. this is going to be the biggest one of all. But on the other hand just maybe I have missed out on something that was there all along. And maybe not!
I have been doing things my way for so long , and waiting for better results. That is insane and it comes natural. But like anything else I will be able to see the good in all this change and still be insane with a twist. ( The waiting is over, the hiding the pain will be better, the numbness will feel rebirth) Now that is scary and deserves winki wodka courage. ( I still have a few days , better enjoy it).
tossing more than cookiesSo here it is and I did not work again today, I woke up feeling very weak and I also slept until 11am. I couldn’t sleep last night so what do I do? Take another pill for sleeping. I awoke with a huge headache but the good news is I am back to my old self regarding the last few days t, my body was having it’s own midlife crisis. No sign of Mary today. I did however call the doctor and as I expected, I need to see 10 new doctors because that isn’t normal. Why do the dutch have to make things so damn hard. If you need a blood test you must go way across town and then to another doctor who will send you back across town. The results…. never had them. Pff. It has made me just say f*ck it. I am not going to do my head in anymore around all this. My anxiety was horrible this weekend. Since Friday I’ve had several major panic attacks; the doubled-over-gripping-your-chest-cuz-you’re-sure-you’re-gonna-have-a-heart-attack-and-die kinda panic attacks. I just love those, like I love taking this medication that has made look like miss piggy on crack.I am a nervous wreck today though. The anxiety is really, really bad, maybe from the aftermath of yesterday, I don’t know, but I’m a wreck. I’m shaking, my heart is racing, and my muscles are tighter than Catwoman’s shiny leather unitard.Since I tend to get caught up in the stresses of life, all the crap that irritates me and those things that outrage me, I’ve decided to add a little wisdom (and peace) to my days and start reading. Right now the most important book happens to be AA’s Big Book.
It’s been a while since I’ve tended to my spiritual self, other than those frantic prayers whispered in the midst of crisis, and my mind and body are suffering because of it. So, back to the basics I go.
What people don’t realize is how debilitating mental illness( I hate saying that , so bipolar) can be. How it affects your entire life and can incapacitate you completely. There have been many days where I just could not function at all on any level, when getting out of bed to go to the bathroom seemed an insurmountable ( a new word for me ) task. Thank Goddess I haven’t had one of those days for a while, but the mood swings and anxiety have been exhausting. I spend a lot of my days pretending that I’m fine because most people just don’t understand. Which, maybe if I didn’t deal with it on a daily basis I wouldn’t understand either. Who knows. And I ‘fake it’ because I don’t want to be a burden or a bother to my family and friends. The pretending is harder than the mental illness, let me tell you. It’s like pretending you don’t have two broken legs.
Ok overall I am dealing with this shit and I was able to get out the bed . There you go…
I know that I am suppose to put in parts of this so called book that I am writing . I am sorry I have writers block.. already. I sometimes think of things that I want to say and by the time I get to the computer I have forgotten everything. I need to carry a small recorder. Cause sometimes I recall some crazy shit. Let’s not forget I come from a bipolar background . And for a while I got a bit nervous because after all these years my mom has now picked this time to to FINALLY use the internet. She has had a computer there forever.( and I am not real sure if she is using it since I have yet to get a email.. ok maybe one short one. I sent her some pictures that I took over the weekend and maybe I am causing her stress . Me telling her to open the attachment , or “let’s Skype”. I wanted to video chat.. I seem to have forgotten what it was like when I first started using the computer. But not everyone get manic and digs into the “why” of Mac vs PC.
Not everyone is sitting for days at a time doing such important work..( ok not funny I will say this my mom is good for not answering the door or phone if she doesn’t want to talk. She could care less if you see her through the curtains.. yesterday I download google Talk for my desktop because that is what she is using. Her status was online, as soon as I logged in… you guessed it.
Offline. mmmm has she read this blog. Well I havent hid it well with me posting it all over the net. But then again if she knew how to video chat , I would be in a world of shit.
“Pat have you cleaned your house ? are you still dying your hair that awful color? etc?”
Goodnight everyone…. tomorrow is going to be a good day, tomorrow is going to be a good day.. I say this 10 times before bed.. then take my pill.
I know that I have been lazy with blogging lately. I just haven’t had the feeling . I really do want to blog full-time or rather every day but I sometimes find it a bit difficult.
My question today is “what to do?” .
In the past week I have done alot of soul searching and while it may be easy to cover shit up with others and even dismiss the what is really in your heart. The time comes when you have just have to suck it up. But when you finally get your big ass off the couch and choose to live in the real world , because you have been there before and you know it taste like sweet nectar compared to the bullshit that you ( me ) are allowing to yourself to believe... you need support!!That support can come in many shapes and forms but opening your eyes means letting go of the shit that keeps you fucking up on a daily basis. OK, I am swearing a bit too much for blogging but inside I am a bit pissed. Or maybe you haven’t noticed that. Most likely you have. No judging today. Just truth.
People, I drink to feel normal, to feel nothing and to let the small shit roll off my back. It doesn't really matter because it all boils down to only one thing. Alcohol is holding me back from the person that I sometimes think that I am. It makes me live in a world alone, where I have to answer to know one. sadly, I cannot put anything or anyone before this. Not my Kids, My family, my work, or any meaningful relationship. It has worn me down completely and as I said in the beginning , I do recall a better me. Honestly, I do NOT recall a totally sober me. Even now I find that a boring person but lets face it I am not 20 yrs old anymore.. and I do not want this to be “it” for me. I know that I am worth it. So Thursday I am off the land of detox and rehab. Here , I sit in Amsterdam and it has been a fucking struggle to find a detox. Well, they have one. That seems a bit odd to me. So I did some research because here you pay for everything, and I mean everything. I guess that is what it means to live in a country that allows the freedom of getting high, selling your body etc.. you get the point. Sorry, suddenly I see it all in a new light. Why do I pay 40% taxes and trust me I get nothing back only to be told that I cannot have a choice of rehab clinic’s.. and even the clinic that is here says “ you can detox here but the rehab is dutch only and maybe you should try online rehab. Are you kidding me ? I would be sitting online with a vodka in one hand and thinking that I am really on the right path. I know better . I am at the point where I throw my hands up and look into the sky and say” I surrender!”... yes that is right , I surrender …. I may lose my job , my friends , my everything else but if I gain me. In the end it will be worth the effort. What do I have to lose .
My sanity ? Think again !
I will hopefully be able to blog after the first week of detox and if not please keep your fingers crossed … This could be you .
I am not sure what my point is tonight in writing . My head is very fuzzy and I guess that is because I had keyhole surgery earlier. It was really nothing much and I have no idea what the outcome was, Again a wonderful nurse with a bedside manner that would make you think she was that evil nurse from “one flew over the coco's nest) said” just go home and make an appointment with our house doctor. For fucks sake don't they understand that I must take of work to even get a normal painkiller.. It would just be Advil for us,and they use the shit for everything.. You lose a arm.. Take
Advil, “doctor I need something stronger for the pain”.. take 2 but call your doctor first and make an appointment, in which he will just look at you like “ silly woman , a missing limb you can handle.. but because you are in serious pain. Take Tylenol. Not with Codeine of course. My God where is the empathy , it does make me very home sick where I believe Americans have better bedside manners and the customer service...mmm don;t even let me go there. You know when I was younger and lived in Florida all the way to Alaska , I made a pretty good living with tips.. Ok if you don't make good tips at “Hooters” you better quit and please move to the next town because you will suffer major embassament.. But I also worked at the “Olive Garden and I made very good tips and I worked the day shift.. Or am I just Martha Stewart when it comes to manners. Ok I am done with the pissing and moaning.. “It is what it is” kasskop ... oops sorry .
Ok I was thinking that if this is the way the system is handled here I am more than sure that about 80% of the country has bipolar . Made it should be mandatory for everyone to take a simple online bipolar test. Then of course you will have to call your house doctor to get a referral to the online website that you can find anyway.. and afterwards. You may get pills but only if it is serious and it will be the great wonder drug ., Advil !And if you have a touch of lets say.. shingles, maybe , heroin withdrawal.. nope never mind they take that shit serious. I don't want to say cancer cause that is no joking matter but I am making this a bit more than what it is.. still you get the point . If not ,go take a online test( be sure to call your house doctor , otherwise you are fucked ) and get your “magic cure “ of Advil...
P.S Advil for sleeping is not allowed.
Well it is actually called paracetamol . And it can cure ANYTHING I am told,
Yes, I am really serious about the bipolar test, I can't be the only one who loses their cookies from all the bullshit and in plain english lack of empathy. For those of you who are maybe thinking that I am clearly having a bipolar moment ... skip the doctor and online test .. just send medication ASAP.
Ok, I have calmed down , just took my nightly Seroquel. Uh, the understanding is coming back into focus, but I am not having a BP.. moment what I am saying it true. Still, I live here and it may be a bit out of line to bitch about my own people ( guarded secret , I was born here and left at 2 years old.. still I am dutch, yes people I am a kasskop. Therefore I have rights to say what the F*** I want .
Ok now, I know that what comes out next does sound a bit ( no very much ) BP.
I am accepting other things in life much better. I am not having a complete fit about everything that most people handle on a daily basis. I have just become a bit more at ease with what I can do and what I can't do.
The Seroguel may have something to do with it ( I have increased the dose and they added something called Zyprexa.. but a very low dose. I don't feel drugged at all.. well not after I woke come from the coma that I have been in over the last week. I do enjoy my manic moments and sleep is not my friend but for the last few days.. I am sleeping my ass off .You ever have one of those dreams ?And you wake up to pee or get water, then you try to recall where you were at?The dream was worth going back into . Well all my nights are this way except most of the time , I am dreaming about just stressing and simple shit. But , I am still in favor of being a bit manic. I am creative and I feel like the woman I want to be. In other words I see myself in a larger light . But not in the “ I'm the shit mood”. More like “I am going to accomplish something , I can make whatever it is that I am into work for me. “Then, I have the energy to research and learn new things.. my mind just is awake. Where normally I only hear 40% of what you are saying and I only care about 30%. hope that I haven't offended anyone. Most of friends get me and understand where I am coming from.
I have shocked myself lately by learning marketing with the internet. Ok , I have along way to go . But just the fact that I have found some passion and can learn is truly wonderful. I have been so blank in the mind that it is great to learn new things and want to learn more. To have found something that I enjoy ( that doesn't include messing up my liver or other organs. But the messed up part is I really only feel the longing for this passion is whenI am a bit manic or borderline. I take things more serious and the lazy part of me just goes away. Lately , I have finally come to understand that this feeling will not last long . That sucks. Maybe a Advil will help.
MMM took a diet pill to wake up and the feeling for posting is leaving and I am feeling fuzzy again.
It is always something. In closing , on a serious note, please consider taking a online bipolar test if you completely get me. ( or just feel out of place and having big time mood swings )
Goodnight , gotta love that Tylenol Pm. Great shit , wish they sold it here. Oh well , a cup of tea it is.
Ok, to some this may seem funny and truthfully it is. I mean unless it was you in the war zone with the pillows. Yes, I said pillows and no I am not drinking . The “pillow thing” was want made me really take bipolar serious and stop bullshitting around. I can recall it like it was yesterday. I was home alone as normal. But that is the way I like it, then I don't have to hold myself accountable for my actions . fair enough. ( i guess)
Anyway, I had been drinking lots of vodka , to the point where I now ordered by Internet and called it “ winkie wonkda”. They ( the people at the store ) got the point .
this is the story of me , the winkie wonkda and the badass pillows.
Now, there is some good news and some bad. Those of you who are just damn sick of listening to my bullshit can log off ( and please “like “ and if you don’t.. kiss my as*) oops that wasn’t nice . :(
Ok, The good news is i am going to tell you all about the pillows that wanted to take my life and how I had to out smart the pillows... ( locking them in a closet, oops I need to save this for tomorrow cause the bad news is … I have to work tomorrow and it is bedtime. In my world , that means I need to start the process ,hours before I close my eyes. And I have made a promise that I am going to make some real effort in my job. After all I could be advising your children on a educational matter.... mmmm maybe .
Ok I have been a bit of a smart ass this evening and if you did not find it funny ..Log off and take a pill. Tomorrow you may see the humor in it all.
Hey, Have a restful night and lets get busy tomorrow.....
I found this list on a Bipolar forum this evening and it struck me as funny.
1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either extreme of the
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how much ye really want to,
or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night.
Can anyone expand on the list? Leave a comment if you can.