The other side of crabby is the focus for today .
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?
I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick myself back up
Ok , most of you know that these are lyrics from Eminem’s song Beautiful.
So I sole of few lines, but hey did I get your attention, this is some powerful shit and these days I am all about being real and sometimes real just hurts. It was during my first stay at rehab that I was taught that hurt is healing .
I call this blog Drinking Bipolar and at the time it was really to give myself a reason to laugh about the abuse and not take it seriously. But with time , change happens. So , I have been told that this is sometimes brutally honest and sometimes , I am full of shit. Lets, just call this one of my honest moments.
Lately, I can feel myself falling back into an deep place that I don’t want to go into. If you have been there then you will understand , if you haven’t. .. what can I say, read this for amusement . My days have been turning into nights without me evening knowing it. Depression is new to me but I know when I am ‘over the top” . I went to see my therapist today and before I even got to the door I had everything planned out about what I would say . As if I had to see him, still I walked in and my good intentions were f*cked , the tears came and they came. I am depressed he says , I am hiding my depression. I am ashamed of my depression.
I am a fighter ! I will find my way regardless of how I win. Yes, that iS how I look at this f*cking bipolar thinking . It makes hide, it fills me with shame, the regret is deeper, the hurt suddenly has colors, the colors are loud in my ears with song. Are you getting me yet?
how could I not have noticed this before, was I too drunk , too buzzed .. to me?
Acceptance is the only voice that I have left. I am proud to know this, I am scared to accept it.
I look out my window , the sun is setting and my tears are dry, I feel something in my soul that is familiar. turning the music down I go to the mirror and I do a bit of self talk.. I am OK. I am what I am . I am bipolar at midnight ,I am bipolar in midlife, I am bipolar lonely, I am bipolar scared, I am bipolar with regrets, I am bipolar me.
I am bipolar with a voice. I am me and bipolar is saving me . I am sober for now , I go a meeting . I am..... BIPOLAR
The party-chick who probably has seen it all, she isnt tired and she wants to go on. I read this somewhere this weekend , It was dumb and over the top and very much me along time ago.
I thought to myself “hey this is a good opening for my blog,” it is real and honest. Suddenly it became all to real because I rolled with it, and it wasn't so long ago and at times I still can behave that way.
Let’s get this out of the way for those that may want to bitch and complain . I am not a doctor nor am I giving advice , so if you are offended , move on.
Ok now back to my rambling, I ask myself , Self what in the f*ck was so special about being the party-chick, you know the one that just tags along , and thinks sleep does not apply to you ?
I must admit that right off , I am not struck with thoughts of regret and “if only “ shit.
No , I have flashbacks of some pretty wild times , Alaska being one of them, mostly me talking to bears dressed as yogi and the bunch. I laugh out loud . This doesn't last long because I am in the bedroom and we have company in the living-room . (being sick gets me out of these everlasting visits). My point being , I wish that I had taken another road.But I didn’t. I chose to party hard and run wild. I pay the price now but it wasn't all bad. I can laugh about it. Tonight ! I am happy for the times that these memories do not tear me into pieces , and allow me to think back to how I may have felt then.
I beat myself up enough on a daily basis for the choices that I have made. So whenever, I am allowed to smile about the dumb shit that my former party-chick self made .. Great! I reach deep down into my gut and allow the laughter to come out with guilt.
Anyone who has been there knows this is no easy matter because ,you only get that one or two minutes before reality sets in.
Looking in the mirror , winkles line me face , my hair is thinner while my waist is larger and my heart is heavy... still I smile, just a bit .
I look around and it looks as if we are on Ecstasy. I have done my share of the stuff but that was
years ago , another story .
But here we are both in our 40’s and dancing around the living room playing house music which normally you couldn’t catch me playing. but today we are back in the 80’s at least in my head.
I feel happy . I am stuck in reverse ( again) .
That has lasted all of 10 mins , huffing and puffing me and lets call him Z-man are so full of emotions and at the point of heart failure. So Z=man is thinking that he is looking “hot” a nd I must keep the feeling going . I reach down in my purse and take a photo. I am smiling. Tomorrow we will be sore .
Happy Friday
Is that sunshine that I am hearing. Are the birds really singing for me. Because I can swear that they are singing to me loud and clear. I am not annoyed this morning that they are waking me up. No yelling , no throwing the pillow at the window. Nope , I got up and unless I have reached a new phase of illness, it feels as if the annoying sounds coming from the window are talking to directly to me. OK, to the normal person maybe that does sound a bit off . But if you have been reading my blog you already that I am anything but normal, or rather this my normal. Lets bypass the birds , I got up this morning and the feeling of helplessness and despair isn’t digging at my heart, trying to lead me to the other side . Depression. I really hate it. I don’t have to tell you but it sucks. In the past two days I have been watching non stop on YouTube “True Crime “ episodes. As I open the windows and let some air in, it occurs that I have been stuck in the world of Paula Zahn . Also I think that I better say that I am not promoting alcohol , of course I know it is better without it. I do enjoy a drink every now and then so :
Don't Take it So Serioulsy
Middle age is when you first suspect your body of betrayal..
Middle age is when everyone else suddenly becomes younger.
Middle age is when you refuse a senior discount because you're not old enough.
Middle age is when you'd rather take a nap than go out on the town.
Middle age is when you realize there's not much time left to worry about getting old.
Middle age is when you've already seen more than you want to - several times.
Middle age is when the opposite sex doesn't seem quite as sexy anymore.
Middle age is when you notice how small the fine print is.
Middle age is when you've done it all, but can't remember if you had fun doing it.
Middle age is when you get a sneaking suspicion that you might be mortal too.
Middle age is when it seems like there's a lot more to remember than there use to be.
Middle age is when you decide to buy that red sports car before its too late.
Middle age is when you can't see how to find your eyeglasses.
Middle age is when you'd like to have an affair, but you don't have the time or energy.
Middle age is when the chiropractor becomes your best friend.
Middle age is when your dog and your children forget who you are.
Middle age is when you decide the bathroom mirror is a liar.
Middle age is when you're positive you still remember sex. thanks to Sheila Moss
I like it better when I was feeling Crabby and Saggy , at least I had to laugh about how I was feeling. I could always cheer myself up just knowing that I may be crabby and saggy today but it's your turn tomorrow ( Or does everyone look like Courtney Cox )
I am sitting here listening to Debbie Boone " you light up my life" on Oprah. Remember that ( back in the old days ). Ah! OK enough of that.Still it made me think how I always say "OK" when I just want to push the feelings aside. My therapist wants me to discuss my children, this is the big " No, I am not ready "! I walked away. I don't know how to handle those feelings sober . I have been numbing it for so long that I am a stranger to these feelings . I went to get a glass of wine and as I stood pouring the wine. I broke ! I broke for all the feelings I should have felt along time ago. I broke for the shame and the reasoning's that I have been numbing myself daily.. I broke for the lost of their mother, I broke because I was ready to feel what was coming next. I will stop writing for a moment and break some more .....
I know what is coming .. the shame, guilt, lost, remorse HURT, PAIN.... it comes in huge waves. It comes heavy and I am overwhelmed.
I let it out , as if it is the first time that I have cried . Today I let it out and I cry for the lost of my children.
Yes.... I am the mother! I am the lost mother.
I am ready to heal but it takes so much emotion from me that I look around for anything to numb the raw feelings .
I have 1 beer ! Damn !! And I look up and say thank you God... Let's do this . I am ready to heal.
( When I stared this post out I had the feeling that my spunk was returning . I got up went to check on dinner and came back feeling somber, no not sober, which I am by the way but somber. So people just roll with it , by that I mean my jumping bipolar emotions, For this too shall pass. Otherwise it will be "Pass the Vodka" .)
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Many people aren't sure if they are suffering bipolar disorder, but you may want to consider the fact that you may be slightly bipolar if you frequently experience:- Headaches from all of the mimes yelling at you.
- Strange looks from people while getting the feeling that you are saying the same sentence for the fifth time.
- The strong desire to bare your fangs and rip the nose off that person who is annoying you so badly.
- A sensation of loss when the voices in your head go away to take a short rest during the afternoon.
- The desire to write a letter to Robin Williams telling him to add some life to his performances, as they are boring you.
- The feeling that you totally understand the mysteries of life, but simply can't figure out whether to toast your bread facing forward or backward.
- Sense begins to matter much less as matter begins to sense much more.
- Exhaustion from vacations that took you to exotic foreign countries for a fortnight, even though you haven't left your chair.
- A distaste for the same food that you have been eating for the last three months: Antacid tablets.
- A strong desire to learn how to bark just so you can tell your dog to shut up.
- The irresistible urge to make a scientific breakthrough in the study of how to administer caffeine intravenously.
- The feeling that you are just one really hard flap away from flying away.
- This and other wacky test and cool shit can be found at : Quotescoop.com
Here is something that I thought was right on :Often the reason that people with Bipolar I/II have substance abuse problems are — feel like they are able to take back control (in some manner of speaking) with their lives because they are able to comprehend (sometimes unconsciously) that they need to “calm” down. the body works constantly to maintain homeostasis. unfortunately – the chemical process that regulates bipolar disorder (primarily) is dopamine. this neurotransmitter also acts in the “reinforcement” & “reward” center of the brain. thus, when patients with bipolar d/o have hypomanic/manic episodes, this stimulates the brain to do act in a way that rewards them (i.e., drinking) and to try to balance out the activity of the brain (i.e., alcohol is a chemical depressant) often bouncing back and forth between narcotic/amphetamine abuse (in the depressed phase) and alcohol (in the hypomanic/manic phase). Ok that is good to know but Lets break it down in real people language : Speaking for myself only, often times when I am manic , it is as if I am watching myself . here I am watching ME do some funny and some ridiculous shit. I know that I am in a manic moment but `i just cannot seem to stop. Like the time I thought is was my calling to bring my team in the office dresses that I bought from the market. I left the office in such wonderful spirits and I was going to do my part to help these people that had no time to shop. I never thought about where I am getting the toime to shop, and maybe leaving work and announcing it was maybe a bit nuts. I was already in my manic madness and therefore I was just being a great team player . walking back into the office , bags in hand and looking as if I had just shot up a load of speed . I was pleased with myself. It was only looking at my co-workers face that I knew I was over the top, still I could not stop. I excused myself and went home with a bottle of vodka , I had to stop . I was flying fast and high. That was the beginning of me drinking bipolar . Now some time has passed . Habits are formed and not only are you fucked struggling with bipolar and it’s secrets, you have an addiction. I think that you get the message .
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