Out of  phase one  
Now onward with phase two. Thinking back when I thought of rehab I 
thought I'd stay in some simple converted King's castlewith those real wooden floors with 
 peach colored walls and a huge cozy bed loaded down with ward handmade  to keep me warm
from  the cold here in Scotland. No Way ! I was in a castle , a real castle. I
knew  there would be therapy and I don't mean just cellulite therapy. I knew from the past how interesting
it  would be to see real drug addicts , looking all thin and hungry, addicts
missing  teeth, addicts having terrible thin hair, addicts dirty from the
streets and  picking on there
thin faces. Lucky this was not
me (yet). I  expected a big gym and personal trainer might as well add a six
pack with this  trainer . I know that I may be reaching but what the hell, a bit
of horse back  riding would be nice . What about rafting? A pair of Uggs and I am in ! Seeing this is Scotland and I am
surrounded  by sheep. Let's get serious I was expecting
a mircle, what I got  was the Castle and some very
"rightous
" people who have no  F*cking problem helping me to see my F*cked up ways, and for good measure are
helping me to heal .  This isn't my first first rodeo on the rehab ride. Proudly
I have finished the  first phase where I wasn't able to blog, here I sit in my
second phase where I  have more freedom . As you can see I am posting less .
Hang in there with me , I  am now down in the extended care unit or ECU (
another way for saying "your ass  ain't done just yet ). Who knows I may have a
story or 2 about midlife and  trying to hang about with the cool kids here .
Good Lord , I am sure that I
do. Thank for  your support !

 
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OMG! What a rough time it has been these past few months( and it isn't over yet ) . I am going to be honest and tell you that it will take me some time to be a active blogger again. Not much time but just a bit more I am afraid. It has been a good 2 months and I need to get caught up on things around me.  I have missed posting everyday. Some of you were a great help to me as this trip was not easy. It did show me who my inner circle was and who really cared for me . On a sad note , it also showed me who didn't. I will leave it at that as I am trying to move on.
Let's talk about mom's and handbags : I loved it when peeking into my moms handbag. The smell of it , old cigarattes at the bottom, where she never looks , there is loose change loose mints, and speces of tobacco from her cigarattes. I recall bringing the bag to my face and inhaling as deeply as I can. I love that memory .
who knows maybe I was already screwed at this point ( I know I started smoking way too young and the rest followed shortly afterwards. )
Still I love the smell of my moms bag ! Thanks mom for all the daily phone calls and support.

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Hi everyone
I know that I have been away for sometime now. Just a " heads up " , you will be hearing alot more from me . I will be back postings over the weekend. Then 1 or 2 times a week afterwards. Thank you for supporting me and my blog . As normal I have some juicy stuff to tell. It has been a long 6 weeks and while I needed the break.. I am ready to spill the beans ( on myself that it is )
So ladies and gents grab the cocktails ( uh yep virgin cocktails that is ) and lets get jiggy !!

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Tomorrow is the big day!! 
I am sure my friends are grateful for this as I have been behaving like a mad woman. 
I am in a panic and dragging those close along for the ride which I know isn't at all fair. I driven myself ( and other people ) into complete chaos . It has been this way all week, and this morning I am grateful.  I say I am ‘fine’ or ‘okay’, But for few, the truth is clear. Sometimes pretending that I am okay or I don’t feel anything is easier . The fact is, my smile can lie, but just looking at my face, you always, always know the truth, and they  continue to care and carry me forward to the next step in my destination. 
Sometimes I wonder what people think when they look at me. I can imagine that they look at me, and see all of my fears and all of the horrible things I carry with me: what I’ve done and put myself through. But then, for those few, they see me as me. That saves my life. So for that, for seeing through my bluff, continuously loving me and treating me of worth . I thank you all. 
My emotions are going from high to low so fast that I am mentally worn down. I know that when I get to this clinic I will have to face some very hard truths . And honestly that is scary as hell , it is time to really grab those big girl panties and take control over my life . I may not 
mean it but I have to believe that I am worth it . The next time you hear from me it will be from a treatment center that has it’s own hospital ( time to take this health this seriously )
So my mid life crisis and insanity is going to surrender and hopefully forgiveness will follow. 
Take care and talk to you soon ( 1 time a week ) 
Hugs T 
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Thoughts fill my head with painfullism , confusionism, cravenism, lostism, anxiousism, heartracenism, fearism, wantingism, breathlessism, addictionism, addictism, justfortodayism, fuckthatism, myfuckedupheadism, nothingsclearism, justonemoretimeism, justneedabreakfrommeism, thinkingglasspipeism, needleism, mirrorism, allthreeism, gottogetitoutofmyheadism.

great 
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Go on have  a bit of fun, wither make your own message or just use a pre recorded message . Check on the platform on my website, when you are done just email the avatar to yourself. Simple and fun! 
Happy Saturday.   http://www.brokenopenscars.com/site-sisters.html

You got a SitePal Talking Avatar Message!
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So here we are ! It’s Saturday and I am in the middle of packing for my trip. I have come to terms with the fact that this trip is a MUST. However, I am thinking about the things that I will miss. The first thought that comes to mind is not vodka ( yes, it surprised me too) but, Internet . I love the Internet. It has helped me to be comfortable alone. It has given me a voice , let’s be honest , it has given me the life that I left behind. And since we are honest , the Internet allows me to avoid the loneliness and emptiness that I have been feeling . When I am manic and having these great ( and they are great ..to me ) thoughts and my behavior is just bit too crazy . I am the only one that knows. Of course in my eyes I am not manic but getting control over this bipolar, alcohol, lonely and empty feeling . Wow, did I really just say that ? Double wow , will I leave this in my post for my blog. What do you think? Uh yeah. That is just how I am. I do know that this is online and you don’t know me. I try very hard to let the real person out online but some people will just not get me .  And that is the good thing about Internet , just let your fingers do the talking for you and click off. So, with that said , I carry onward ! 
In the last 24 hours I have been trying to talk myself out of going to this clinic, this is mainly because I have been feeling OK for a few days and I haven’t drank anything that will give me that warm fuzzy feeling . ( OK, I must admit that I knew that I had tons of shit to do this week and I knew the weekend was coming. I have always found it easy to maintain when it is necessary and that I could party later ) . For awhile my drinking bipolar mind was wild . I am thinking “hey, I can handle myself , when the shit hits the fan I always come around , after all I have started taking my medication again “. It doesn’t hit me then , that just maybe I am handling things because i am taking those little shitty pills that make me fatter than what I am . And just maybe I am getting fatter because I tend to drink way to much . So, I go about my morning , doing my things, you know cleaning and doing my best to keep busy because I feel something is missing ( alcohol) but I also feel great that I am getting on top of things. Paperwork, housework, dying my hair, etc.
Suddenly I am bored ! Shit this creates a problem. 
I take  out the Wii and hook it up. I have had this for 2 yrs and I have turned it on 4 times. Once I actually did the yoga in the Wii fitness  , at which time I could not believe how long it took and further more it almost killed me . The other few times, I enjoyed it as I sat my big ass behind the computer and actually paying attention . ( maybe I was drinking because I had great amusement watching as I got my ass kicked by the little Wii people. Still I felt as if I had worked out .
Just talking about this alone is enough to convince me to keep packing and get on the plane .
Anyway , in the true spirit of being bipolar , I am changing the subject , today is my daughters birthday . I haven’t seen her in many years. We stay in touch by Facebook, email and phone . I do not call her as often as I should. I think that is because I have no idea what to say when we have been living separate lives for so long . She has grown up into a wonderful young woman who is in the military . I am very proud of her , did I mention that she has 2 sons whom I have never met ? I have been deported from the USA now for 12 yrs. The guilt of not being there for my kids is a pain that I will discuss another time . ( I have lived in the states from the time I was 2yrs old , I thought I was American … I am jumping way ahead of myself . I will get back to you on this drama that I have caused myself). I am not sure where I am going with this except to say , I am going to finish packing , write immigration a letter for my lawyer and call my kid to wish her Happy Birthday .
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I have never had depression , well nothing that I would write about. Honestly I had no idea that I am in the middle of a heavy depression now. I mean I am so use to watching out for the manic me , that this has come as a shock. i have been writing and posting these feelings online and I am wondering if I am sharing too much. But what is too much? Am I depressed , that is what my doctors say. I feel this strange  floating feeling , as if I am not really in the room. I don't like it one bit. I have had many problems with being manic.. this shit sucks. 
I want to make this abnormal feeling disappear. I Want to DRINK, DRUG.. whatever. I don’t ! 
Instead I am stuffing my face with everything I can find . Thinking of a taco bell has the same effect as if I were preparing for a line of coke. ( It’s all  in the foreplay  ) I am a strong believer in reaching out and asking for help. I have been down a rocky path before and I know exactly where it leads. No I don’t have any desire to start down that dark road, you know the one. Staying up for days at a time , breathing alcohol and getting no effects from it , wearing way too much makeup , hoping to fool the average person that you are living a normal life and not staying awake for days at a time . The guilt alone suddenly makes you suddenly religious , but you just doing the same thing and getting nowhere. All these empty promises that you have made as you are on your knees ( and I don’t for fun, his not yours ) your head in damn toilet.
nope, I have spent have over half my life doing these things. They have become normal. That was a long time ago, but history has a way of repeating itself with me.  I started to dig deep, and I mean dig and take a good look at myself . What I see in my future is enough to stop me dead in my tracks. I refuse to let this happen again. So folks, I know I haven’t been writing much and you will be seeing less of me online. On Tuesday I am going to a lovely place somewhere in the UK, for a few months . I need to get my shit back together . ADDICTION will not be my life . 
I will be posting 1 time a week only . I will be keeping a journal and doing my best to share my feelings. Until then I will try to post daily but I have alot to handle before I go. 
I want to thank you in advance for all your support . Don’t count this ole girl out just yet ! 
As I said I will post once a week. 
Here are some good things that will happen :
I will keep breathing 
Lose weight ( being “hot” or “medium warm” makes me fuzzy inside , in a sober way )
Lose some baggage 
That is all I can see for today.
Here are some NOT so nice things that will happen:
No Internet , but once a week ( Here go, Lord help me )
No cell phone ( Don’t answer it away ) 
My un-sober fuzzy feeling will fade 
I have to unpack the baggage
Shit .. I better just think about the fuzzy feeling cause if I go any further , I will miss that flight and it will be :
Me and absolute chaos and drinking bipolar . 
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The other side of crabby is the focus for today . 
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
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Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick myself back up



Ok , most of you know that these are lyrics from Eminem’s song Beautiful. 
So I sole of few lines, but hey did I get your attention, this is some powerful shit and these days I am all about being real and sometimes real just hurts. It was during my first stay at rehab that I was taught that hurt is healing . 
I call this blog Drinking Bipolar and at the time it was really to give myself a reason to laugh about the abuse and not take it seriously. But with time , change happens. So , I have been told that this is sometimes brutally honest and sometimes , I am full of shit. Lets, just call this one of my honest moments. 
Lately, I can feel myself falling back into an deep place that I  don’t want to go into. If you have been there then you will understand , if you haven’t. .. what can I say, read this for amusement . My days have been turning into nights without me evening knowing it. Depression is new to me but I know when I am ‘over the top” . I went to see my therapist  today and before I even got to the door I had everything planned out about what I would say . As if I had to see him, still I walked in and my good intentions  were f*cked , the tears came and they came. I am depressed  he says , I am hiding my depression. I am ashamed of my depression. 
I am a fighter ! I will find my way regardless of how I win. Yes, that iS how I look at this f*cking bipolar thinking . It makes hide, it fills me with shame, the regret is deeper, the hurt suddenly has colors, the colors are loud in my ears with song. Are you getting me yet? 
how could I not have noticed this before, was I too drunk , too buzzed .. to me? 
Acceptance is the only voice that I have left. I am proud to know this, I am scared to accept it. 
I look out my window , the sun is setting and my tears are dry, I feel something in my soul that is familiar. turning the music down I go to the mirror and I do a bit of self talk.. I am OK. I am what I am . I am bipolar at midnight ,I am bipolar in midlife, I am bipolar lonely, I am bipolar scared, I am bipolar with regrets, I am bipolar me. 
I am bipolar with a voice. I am me and bipolar is saving me . I am sober for now , I go a meeting . I am..... BIPOLAR 
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