Your lips are magic, so full and inviting.
But why are they moving when should be listening?
Why don't you hear me , I have something to say.
You're getting comfortable, undoing your shirt , there’s no need for that .
And then I feel your breath so close to my face ,
I have turn away, before I walk away. No you're not listening,
I can't save this for another day .
I was a cliche: a bird with broken wings-forever caged.
I never took responsibility for this prison I had built for myself. I
instead I blamed others, the people who had hurt me so much that I had swore I'd never fly again.
I thought that I was trapped by the regrets and the loss I had suffered.
Numbing myself, trying not to look at myself
I closed my eyes to something I did not want to see, This will not define me .
And one day I woke up. There was no more pain, only a strange sense of relief and understanding.
My cage became a sanctuary as my grip on the past loosened. Time passed again, but I was not so lonely; it gave me a chance to learn about forgiveness.
I forgave those who had hurt me and I forgave myself.Suddenly the pain was gone.
Life became valuable again.
I bow my head, I release my sins . And this I say, Amen.
I was finally free to fly.
which echoes through my mind.
trying to be more kind.
count its blessings and not it’s strife.
those times when nothing seems right.
Accept you are blessed,
you do not starve,
there’s shoes on your feet.
the inevitable coming of age.
There is no alternative,
only the grave.
thank you .. Poetry Corner
Hey there everyone,
I haven't posted in awhile due to trying my hand at another project . And I will be posting again within the next few days . Here is something that is a little bit dark but also funky. So Let's just call it some funky ass shit .
Dear Legs, We need to shave. I know we’ve been depressed this past week, but something has to give. We need to move on and feel better. How are we supposed to feel better and attractive when you’re looking like Sasquatch?
Sincerely, The Rest of Your Body.
I had a breakdown. I was ( am) totally detached from reality and became numb to my environment. I could no longer feel emotions. What I did experience was shame and guilt as well as intense self-loathing which several times morphed into suicidal ideation. I became afraid of everything. The world overwhelmed and scared me. It was at this time all these horrible memories from my past started rising to the surface. I couldn't handle the memories and images and the pain they brought. I turned to heavy drug use to totally anesthetize myself. I became reckless, impulsive and developed a total lack of responsibility. I was paranoid and hypervigilant.”
So if you see a half crazed happy lady out there making jokes and not having a care in the world, say hi, that would be the old me having one of those rare days.
You have not had a breakdown.
A breakdown would be us looking like a half crazed Sasquatch out there making jokes while being chased by animal control.
So lets shave and call it a day
Sincerely, The Rest of your body.
Just for a second I slipped on my ass and tumble downward into a clockwork orange.
With memories deleted we forgot each others name. The day everything changed,
Mindfully disassociating becomes comfortable almost addicting . Intervention for one ,
re-invention for two.
The place is kind of a mess and I'm not gonna pick it up.
It don't matter my hair's a mess cause you're not gonna
fix it up. I would if could ,just get on with it. But I'm comfortable now .I will take a breath
outside, a stranger place I couldn't find and no one knows who I am
and you can't say my name. Can't think of anything else worse 'cause if I
didn't fuck it up, you would. Why can't you just do something right. Just
once change my mind. Cause if you can I'd be the one. You know I am but
you're so blind, you always were I didn't catch your name.
So I think I’ll re-invent you, and give you a name
First I would get a firm grip on your neck, pull your head out of your ass, and place it firmly back on your shoulders.
I would then glue your feet to the floor so that you remain upright and firmly grounded.
This would also present me with the perfect opportunity to sprinkle magic dust all over you body, say an “abrakadabra” and BOOM! Instantly de-asshole-ify you.
There you’d be, fixed and ready for the world.
Rambling thoughts of no one .
We all have those crazy, crappy moments.
We've all been hurt, we've all tried to pick ourselves up from whatever dust we are in. And though we've experienced pain, in the end, we know it is for the better.
I'm not happy with all the crap I have had to endure,
but I am beginning to acknowledge that I am stronger for it. I've grown, changed, learned, fought, won, and loss. I've been hurt, but never broken, beaten but never defeated and I know I will never give up. I've gained the strength to carry my heart on my sleeve and learned how to put it's pieces back together. The past doesn't hold me any longer I can now face any future with a level of determination I did not possess when I was younger.
I want people to see that there is a way out, in their own time, and in their own way.
That the road rarely ends at one dark point. What keeps us going is hope.
To sum up, I suppose, I've learned that situations can make life seem
very black and not worth living, but getting through those dark valleys proves that life will continue, for better or worse. The struggles and obstacles that seemed insurmountable and unacceptable before have been gotten through and are now behind me.
I do hate my dark past, but the funny thing of it is...
I am also grateful for it too. I couldn't have been as strong, as I am now, without it.
The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.
The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.
The Third Commandment:
Thou shalt be an adult.
The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.
The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.
The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.
The Seventh Commandment:
Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.
The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant
The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.
The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect
I found these 10 commandments of a dysfunctional family as I was surfing the internet ( sorry but I lost the page ).
I have been on a mission to understand myself and my bad choices , which now affect my loved ones.
By no means do I shift the blame anywhere but on myself. For me it's kind of like what I have heard Oprah say
so often, " When you know better you do better ".
In my opinion acceptance is not so easy . It's damn hard to "accept the things that you cannot change ".
It takes effort, commitment, and faith something that an addict lacks. Speaking only for myself once I was able to accept myself and situation , I wanted to understand it .
" If I can be an example of being sober , I can be an example of starting over " Macklemore
A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Dipped in awesome & covered in bitch sprinkles.
It is just another day. Just like every other day.
I wake up with a sigh of relief that I am in one piece. Just barely.
Again I directly think of what I will procrastinate today . Just like every other day .The good intentions that were made yesterday are gone . Again today I just don’t have the motivation.
I do not expect calls from friends , I do not want to be social.
Being social would mean that I would have to come out of hiding .
My health has not been great but I feel even worst now. Maybe this comes from no movement on my part, I sit , I write , I refill over and over again . Still I am consumed with fantasies that vitamins and raw veggies will fix the unfixable. I will smoke over a pack of cigarettes, I will eat rabbit food or try to eat nothing at all . I will do the one thing that will kill me. Over and over again.
Made the bed, vacuumed part of the carpet, the other part looks OK.
Made a large pitcher of tea as this is what compliments the unfixable .I am being healthy.
I choose to believe this , no soda drinks for me . I have taken all 12 vitamins and blended a stock of celery, now time for the much hated blended spinach , berry and beet drink. Beets smell and the taste is foul as fuck . Yet I tend to think that this will help my bad liver. Because I am being healthy I suck it up.
Without any further thought , I pour the clear liquid of comfort into the tea. Reaching over for my medication ( as I have stopped using speed and other drugs because it is so toxic). I take 3 white pills out and place them on the plate crushing them , I go in for the kill.
So far I have sat and thought about what I should do. But that took some thinking . I know that at one time I had passion for writing . This all started at a low period in my life . During this time I was diagnosed with Bipolar . This may be true however I left out one detail. Along with bipolar I was hiding in the midst of Drinking Bipolar.
Loneliness has become my friend these days, something that I can depend on . Used to be I could not stand the emptiness that accompanied being alone.
Wondering what to do now. I have inspected the surrounding of my small apartment ,
I could clean the closet, something that I have been meaning to do for very long . Too much effort right now. Oh shit , I suddenly think , yes I am sitting smoking again . What is someone comes over , cleaning the bathroom has become off limits to me.
After giving it some great thought I , I will do it tomorrow.
'Today this has passed.. ( written 4 weeks ago, chalk it up to procrastination)
Procrastination: Ten Things To Know
A manic mind hears the sun is too loud
I'm not lazy... I'm selectively productive! Therefore, I am proud to say that all my bitching and whining must have had a positive effect . I am cleaning out my house as if I were cleaning out the baggage in my mind.
I must admit, I was just a bit worried that I was now hoarding.I cannot pass up a sale, and don’t get me started on the dollar stores.Why are they called dollar stores? Because if you think that you are going in and coming out with a shitload of “feelgoods” for a dollar, think again.
Those “feelgoods” feelings are replaced Lickety Split.Your face is all twisted wondering what happened .Trying to buy a cheeseburger for all of one cent!An addict in everything I do, replacing one addiction for something new .
Today’s Trash Load:
2 boxes of my great hash brownie business stuff . ( Bipolar Betty Crocker moment )!Ah the freezer. Found the hiding Hash Brownies . Trash bound!19 pairs of gloves12 old dried out tubes of mascara’s3 garbage bags of paid bills **** It’s all digital now
1 bag of Tupperware - no tops, or bottomsMinnie Mouse wallet. Really?WTF, I don’t have a glue.Clearly, I still have issues.
Uh, am I rhyming now ?'Manic' Thinking Makes Us Happy, Energized And Self-confidentManic thinking: independent effects of thought speed and thought …ADHD and Clutter: Is It Organized Chaos or Just a Mess?Recovering From an Addiction to Chaos